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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Things I have learned:

1. That its easier to hate than to hurt
  • I know that fury can fuel me, sorrow cannot.
  • Mourning SP is all very well, but I ain't gonna be able to work on set this week whilst I am wallowing in self pity.
  • Thinking SP is a cock-sucking selfish fucker however will give me the anger to work my ass off...

2. That sex is all in the mind - not just between my legs

  • I know SP turned me on so much because I had feelings for him.
  • I enjoyed SP's dominating me because of our intellectual and emotional connection.
  • Freedom of sexual experimentation can only happen when two people trust each other and allow themselves to have their boundaries pushed.

3. That I am at a place where sex and emotions are linked

  • When I was masturbating today upon my third climax I cried. I never thought coming would make me sad: I sobbed for an hour.
  • I'm not sure if I could fuck a stranger right now. I would have to shut down my emotions to do it - which for me would be going backwards, rather than moving on.
  • Sex without love is usually masturbating using someone elses body. Not that I disapprove of that - there's a time and place for that - just not where I am right now. I'd prefer to be masturbating using my own body (and some vibrators too)

As you can tell I am somewhere between melancholy, antagonism and passion, an interesting place to be, but it's all a bit up in the air again: I saw SP a few days ago, he had something of mine which I needed for work, so I asked to meet him to get it. We met for a long lunch, he told me that the last two weeks have been crap for him, that he's gone into "emotional shutdown" and had to "run from it" and that he "wasn't ready to commit" to me "or anyone else" right now. I just felt numb, nodded, mumbled something and agreed to be friends. We talked, laughed and flirted, and then I said goodbye. He hugged me tightly, kissed me and I'm sure he smelled my hair as he rubbed my back. Weird, I know.

We've agreed to be 'friends'; we both know how uncomfortable it'd be if we hated each other (hold on, actually if I hated him) and we had to work alongside each other. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna deal with this. Part of me feels like punching him and calling him a fucking prick (ooh I love that word - so violent, yet so sexual); yet I also want to embrace him and kiss his neck. Which of course I'm not gonna do. Looks like another confusing time for the Girl...

Anyway, back to work, busy as fuck and no time to think, which, in these circumstances I am quite happy with. On the minus side, no time to play (oh god!) and back to the old weekend blogging marathon...

Have a good week ya'll


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