So I went to see Big Fish
with my friend A who loved it; I'm not so into magical realism - give me a sci-fi or thriller anyday. I did enjoy some of the humour though, but for me the test of how good a film is, is whether or not I start thinking about sex during it. And low and behold, my mind was wandering.
After the movie we wandered round Soho and ended up drinking White Russian
cocktails in a bar. The conversation turned to men and sex (as it does) and we swapped stories of our latest flings. I decided to test the water with A a little and talk about my interest in being submissive, as first experienced with B. As expected, her response was that she "liked 'normal' sex and why was I wanting to do something that disempowered me?" She raised her eyebrows when I mentioned spanking, riding crops and handcuffs and when I talked about fisting, anal sex and double penetration
I realised I had better change the subject pretty damn quick as her eyes were the size of saucers.
And now I feel like some kind of kinky freak. Am I attracted to misogynistic assholes (like B) because they seem to offer me the thrill of being dominated? Does a guy need to be an asshole (cocky, arrogant, outgoing) to be able to fulfill my fantasy? Should I be acting on this desire to be submissive or does it contradict my feminist principles? Do I have a false consciousness about my sexuality? Jesus, it seems so complicated. Surely I am just an enlightened woman interested in exploring different ways to enjoy sex?!
I look forward to the day where I meet someone who is my equal, my friend, my lover. Who can dominate me in bed and allow me to act out my submission fantasies. And also be happy with the roles reversed. Who has the same (or higher, please god) sex drive as me. Who is open-minded about swinging (both ways ideally). Who believes that safe sex is good sex (and can still be rock hard with a condom on - very rare it seems these days). And who knows the difference between making love and fucking and is good and happy at doing both. Yeah right. Like he exists. Dream on...