I am being harassed.

They won't leave me alone.

Every time I pick up the phone I can hear them.

I am at my wits end and have had to invest in professional help.

That's right folks, I am being stalked.

By a fax machine.

For days now it has been calling my (ex-directory) number every few minutes with it's insane quest to send me data. It would be ok if I actually had a fax machine myself - that way this computer operated target-obsessed machine would feel like it had fulfilled it's duty and give me some peace. But instead, it fills my answerphone with annoyingly loud beeps and ties up my line with it's persistent ringing.

So I've had to have strong words with my telecom company and get the big boys out to try to end this electronic nightmare. Since I pay a lot of money for the service, I am quite happy to let the responsibility fall into their laps, and let them get on with it; today I was actually able to do some work at home, amongst the occasional texts on my mobile from the telecom company informing me of the progress of the case.

But I had to put my foot down this afternoon. There I was, happily getting reaquainted with a long forgotten vibrator, when a call came through on my mobile - my absolute private line. I had to answer it - it might have been work. Having to then maintain the most mundane conversation known to human-kind, with a telecom operator explaining the action they would take on my behalf to prevent any more nuisance fax calls, kinda took the edge off the sexy mood I was in: I had been moments away from orgasm, and after the call, it took me the best part of an hour to be able to climax.

Outrageous I know. I should make a complaint. There must be a department for that. A 'who to speak to if our service provider has prevented you from enjoying your self-servicing'. I reckon they should give credits on bills too; a good-will gesture for all the orgasms they have prevented by their telephonic coital interuptions. Or, if they don't want the hassle of people like me phoning up to complain, perhaps they should offer one of these as a gift? It'd certainly shut me up for a few hours...