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Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Sex shop shopping: some rules

Based on my experience shopping for sex toys in Soho recently, I felt it necessary to impart to the world the following wisdom:

For Men
  1. If you see a single female in there, do not blush or laugh at her. Certainly do not approach her in the hardcore DVD section, point at particular DVD's and say "Done that, and that, and that. Think I'll get this one out again - got a real result from that."
  2. If you see a single female in there, do not stare at her wildly, amazed that women also wank and go shopping for sex material. We do.
  3. If you see a single female in there, smile briefly and return to what you were doing. It's only polite and you are not there to chat her up after all.
  4. If you see a single female in there, it's best not to walk around with a hard on. She won't be very impressed, even if you've got a large todger.
  5. If you see a single female in there, try not to fill your shopping basket with a years supply of porn. It'll just make you look desperate; a weeks supply is more than enough.
  6. If you see a single female in there, do not approach her with the largest dildo you can possibly find and ask her "What do you reckon, eh? Your type of thing?!" Instead, have a look at the boys toys and ask her what she thinks your girlfriend might like.
  7. If you see a single female in there, try to stay away from the 'orifice' hardcore porn. Certainly spend no longer in the section than is necessary to just "tut" loudly and walk away shaking your head. No woman is impressed by a man who likes the sight of an anal canal held open and spread so widely that one can see deeply into it.
  8. If you see a single female in there, do not laugh and joke with your mates in front of her about "that one's fanny" or "look at that slapper". It's difficult enough for the woman to be in there, without being made to feel cheap, embarrassed or degraded.
  9. If you see a single female exit a sex shop with a new purchase bagged up, do not grab hold of her, demand to see inside the bag and exclaim loudly in front of all your mates "she's got a new dildo in there!"
  10. If you see a single female in there, do peruse the 'couples' DVD section and the female sex toys, and ask the sales assistants for demonstrations to find out whether it'll give a woman more stimulation. Even if you are single too, you'll appear sensitive and generous, and will give us women hope that not every man in a sex shop is a sad git who couldn't get laid if he tried. Plus, as well as giving you some idea of what women like, you might discover that you like it too...

For Women

  1. If you haven't yet, then DO go to a sex shop. Ones like Harmony and Ann Summers in the West End are women friendly and Sh! in Hoxton Square is women-only (men as partners). We need to increase our visibility in these places as well as discover our sexuality. Go.
  2. If a guy tries to make fun of you up in a sex shop, ignore him. He will go away. Or better yet, laugh at him, loudly. People will turn to stare - he'll back off - works every time.
  3. If you get stared at, stare back. Hold your sex toy proudly in your hand, walk up to the staring man and pick up a magazine or DVD in front of him. He needs to know you are not ashamed of the fact that you, like him, will be masturbating later.
  4. Have a look at the 'couples' DVD section - it's not bad nowadays. There's plenty of hardcore penetrative stuff, not too much money shot crap or 'orifice' nonsense.
  5. Explore the sex toys. There really is something for everyone. Ask for demonstrations, cop a feel of the vibrators, play with the stimulators. If you're gonna be spending £20 - £70 on something to get you off, make sure it's gonna get you off.
  6. Have a look at the boys toys. Even if you are single it's good to know what gets men off, whether it be small vibes, strokers or anal massagers.
  7. Stay away from the 'orifice' section. You'll feel ill. Trust me. Anything that resembles an in-your-face gynacological exam is not a turn on for most women.
  8. Take your time. Stand tall. Enjoy. Sex shops are for men and women. This is your pleasure you are seeking. Be proud of that.
  9. If a man grabs you on your exiting the sex shop and demands to look in your bag whilst shouting to his mates "she's got a new dildo in there!", smile sweetly at him and say loudly "yes I have and I plan to be using it shortly, but certainly not thinking about you!" as I did recently. That shut him up...
  10. If you see a guy looking at the 'couples' DVD section, or perusing the female sex toys, whilst asking the sales assistants whether a woman would prefer this or that, chat him up. He's obviously open-minded about such things, and may just be single...

For those looking for some more enlightened stimulus, the following may be of interest:

Ms Naughty

Porn for Women network

For The Girls

Porn Movies for Women

Pure Cunnilingus


Have fun y'all

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