I think I am in love...

They are sexy
They make me happy
They give me pleasure in bed

Yup. If I could marry my new Mini-Ipod I would. It's just gorgeous and I love it. So far I've only downloaded 300 songs onto it (another 700 to go), but it's already proving to be the best purchase of 2004...

Speaking of purchases, I wish I had a partner to give the Robo Suck 2 Masturbator to. It looks like SO much fun - and I bet even better to watch it being used...

Think my next purchase however will be the Dual Explorer. As well as loving the shape and colour of it, I like the name - it makes me think of venturing out into the unknown: something that excites me quite a lot. Certainly the dual penetrative aspect of it is immensely appealing...

Which brings me neatly to the appeal of shagging SP again. I know, before you all shout at me:

"What the hell do you wanna fuck him again for Girl???"

I must tell you that I haven't actually acted on this particular impulse - at least, not yet. I am however yearning, no, absofuckinlutely gagging to have sex with SP again. I am currently playing at least 3 times a day thinking about his cock inside me; I feel like this desire is not gonna go away until I have fucked him again.

All my logic says:

"Uh oh. Don't go there. You may get hurt. Once bitten, twice shy etc"

But my pussy goes:

"JUST FUCK HIM. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. IT WOULD BE SO GOOD. YOU COULD JUST FUCK HIM AND THEN LEAVE. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A PROBLEM".

And all I can think about now, is pushing him against a wall, ripping his jeans off, shoving his cock in my mouth, before raising one leg, and ramming him hard inside me. It's enough to drive a woman crazy I tell you. All this week at work its been on my mind like some kind of parallel narrative running alongside my work brain. I've been having to bash my vibrator something rotten all week - I think I may have damaged the motor (damn cheap Ann Summers crap).

Anyway, I don't know how long I can hold out. Of course I want to see SP (and in the world I work in, it would only be appropriate for SP to then whisk me off into the sunset), but even more than that, I want to fuck him. And at this point, bets are off as to whether it'll be my desire that wins over my rationality...

Things I have learned:

1. That its easier to hate than to hurt

• I know that fury can fuel me, sorrow cannot.
• Mourning SP is all very well, but I ain't gonna be able to work on set this week whilst I am wallowing in self pity.
• Thinking SP is a cock-sucking selfish fucker however will give me the anger to work my ass off...

2. That sex is all in the mind - not just between my legs

• I know SP turned me on so much because I had feelings for him.
• I enjoyed SP's dominating me because of our intellectual and emotional connection.
• Freedom of sexual experimentation can only happen when two people trust each other and allow themselves to have their boundaries pushed.

3. That I am at a place where sex and emotions are linked

• When I was masturbating today upon my third climax I cried. I never thought coming would make me sad: I sobbed for an hour.
• I'm not sure if I could fuck a stranger right now. I would have to shut down my emotions to do it - which for me would be going backwards, rather than moving on.
• Sex without love is usually masturbating using someone elses body. Not that I disapprove of that - there's a time and place for that - just not where I am right now. I'd prefer to be masturbating using my own body (and some vibrators too)

As you can tell I am somewhere between melancholy, antagonism and passion, an interesting place to be, but it's all a bit up in the air again: I saw SP a few days ago, he had something of mine which I needed for work, so I asked to meet him to get it. We met for a long lunch, he told me that the last two weeks have been crap for him, that he's gone into "emotional shutdown" and had to "run from it" and that he "wasn't ready to commit" to me "or anyone else" right now. I just felt numb, nodded, mumbled something and agreed to be friends. We talked, laughed and flirted, and then I said goodbye. He hugged me tightly, kissed me and I'm sure he smelled my hair as he rubbed my back. Weird, I know.

We've agreed to be 'friends'; we both know how uncomfortable it'd be if we hated each other (hold on, actually if I hated him) and we had to work alongside each other. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna deal with this. Part of me feels like punching him and calling him a fucking prick (ooh I love that word - so violent, yet so sexual); yet I also want to embrace him and kiss his neck. Which of course I'm not gonna do. Looks like another confusing time for the Girl...

Anyway, back to work, busy as fuck and no time to think, which, in these circumstances I am quite happy with. On the minus side, no time to play (oh god!) and back to the old weekend blogging marathon...

Have a good week ya'll

xx

There's not much to say...

I hate that I cannot get SP out of my head; I love thinking about him
I hate that I feel lonely; I love that I can make it on my own
I hate that I miss sex with SP; I love that my desire for sex still has no limits

I don't know what I need right now
I don't know what I want
I don't know what to do with myself

My head is spinning
My heart is hurting
My pussy is throbbing...

It's been almost two weeks since I last had sex and my sex drive is dreadful...

That is to say, I feel almost insatiable right now. Everything I do seems connected to sex:

When I walk down the street I am checking out guys cocks and asses.
Sitting on the bus I am getting off to the bumpy ride, my pants getting wet.
Watching tv I am imagining the actors naked and in sexual positions.
Sex is the only topic of conversation I seem to have with my friends right now.
Looking at porn on my computer is no longer a past-time, its now an addiction.

I have literally been glued to my hand all weekend and my horniness has not abated one little bit:

Not with the 4 plays today (1 x vibrator, 1 x love eggs, 2 x fingers)
Not with the 5 frigs yesterday (4 x vibrator, 1 x fingers)
Not with the 3 fiddles the day before (3 x vibrator)

And yes, all (but one) have been fantasies involving SP. (The other was a quickie with B - not even that good, but boy oh boy I miss his big cock). In a way it kinda bugs me that SP is in my head (er, pudenda) so much; the minute he pops into my thoughts I begin to throb - as if on demand. Handy when the situation calls for it; frustrating when I am out with friends and my pants get soaked.

Anyway, here I am even more horny as per normal and no SP to help me work it off. I am beginning to think that I won't be fully satisfied until I am with a guy again. Until then I guess some frenetic masturbating is in order. Here's to number 5...

On a related note, the nice guys at QuietWaterWeb have reviewed my blog (and very kind they were too). Though I must comment on their following points about me:

"...she thinks and talks about sex. Yes, she enjoys sex. But if you meet her in real life, she's not going to be any different from every other woman you've met in your entire life. She just talks a bigger game..."

I am little different in 'real life' as I am on this blog; I talk more candidly here (and certainly divulge more information about my partners than I would face to face with people) but on the whole, the topics I write about are things I talk about. Which is why many men (and women I guess) are a little intimidated by me. I probably embarrass people with my frankness about sex, but I am of the belief that if more people (especially women) were open about sex, then dialogue between partners would be better and as a result, sex could be more satisfying and tailored to meet peoples needs. Just my theory. But I think I am right.

I do however agree with QW's follow-on statement:

"...You want the crazy sex? You want a wild woman? Then turn to the "seemingly boring" woman in your life and compliment her. Then clean the house before she asks you to. Maybe try making dinner for her. Offer up a backrub or footrub. Your woman's inner sex fiend just might make a re-appearance..."

A little thought, tenderness and care can go a long way, believe me...

Speaking of which, SP texted me today to see how I was, said he was gonna call me this week to catch up. The saga continues?

I'm on a mission...

And I know its probably not the best thing to do, certainly in the long term, but since when did logic rule my decision making? Am feeling frustrated right now and confused about things. I need clarity in my life, not flitting between this anger and sadness bullshit that has been my world post-SP.

So, I have decided to have a rebound-fuck with someone else . I need to de-fuck myself of SP. To know that I can get off on someone else. That I am not dependent on SP for fantasy material for playing. That I can get some physical release without emotions attached.

I am not closing my mind to meeting a new guy (fresh meat!) and possibly having some fun, but in all honesty (given my emotional state right now) I don't know if I am up to doing the whole bar, pub, party thing in order to get laid. It'd be much easier and simpler with a past lover and I need the least amount of complication in my life at the moment...

I have discovered that my arms are too short...

Not too short to lift a cocktail glass to my lips and sip my drink elegantly
Not too short to flirtatiously wave at the handsome man who smiled at me today
Not too short to wipe the sweat from my brow as I try to beat my 7 mile/50 minute run
Not too short to type frenetically on my keyboard when I update my blog
And not too short to fiddle regularly

No. But they are too short to do the one thing I have spent the last three days attempting to do: fist myself. Since SP did the 4-finger slide on me, I have been more than curious regarding what it would feel like to have a whole hand inside me (fingers curled, wrist at the entrance to my body). Thus I have been stretching, contorting and bending so that I am doubled over, and I still can't get my fist past the (palm) knuckle. I'm sure I could my whole hand in - but it seems I am hindered by the length of my arms - they just won't reach far enough to allow me to obtain the 'angle of perfection' that I am looking for. Dammit.

Is it possible that I cannot fist myself? Someone out there must have some advice or suggestions regarding a (self-inflicted) technique that I could try? Or am I going to have to rely on a lover to do the honours for me?

Swift responses would be appreciated...

Singapore Sling(ing)

Ah the delectable pleasures of cock(tails): like luscious liquid velvet pouring down my throat. There's something about drinking in Soho on a hot summers evening - whether it be the gay lads walking down Old Compton street arm in arm; the girls standing in the doorways of clip joints trying to entice men in; or just the proliferation of sex shops - there's an electric atmosphere that reminds me of New York City and I just love it.

I was supposed to meet up with my friend K and grab some sushi, but I ended up dragging her around the streets of W1, whilst I tried out the paddles, whips and sex toys. In the space of 10 minutes of wandering round Soho, I had in my hand:
Some Condoms (handed to me free, as a safe sex promotion)
A new (well replacement actually) Vibrator
A see-thru chemise

I am tired now (and a little drunk) though I have no right to be. I spent my day:

Wanking
Sunbathing
Napping
Wanking
Sunbathing
Wanking
Drinking cocktails
And wanking (after this blog)

So its not like I've done a 17 hour day and have any right to be tired. Still, doing fuck all is exhausting though! I've gotta save my energy for the marathon with SP that lies ahead, so I'm gonna go get some beauty sleep now (ok, and will have a play - or three).

Night all
x

Obsessed...

One thing on my mind:

Not whether I can run 5 miles in under 40 minutes
Not doing my tax return (waiting patiently for me to complete)
Not cleaning my flat (which has been ignored for a while)
Not even doing some shopping and stocking up on my:
Food
Alcohol
Lingerie
Sex toys

No, just one thing is occupying this particular Girl with a one track mind's brain: Anal sex.

With a brief thought, I get wet, and have to escape to:
My bedroom
A friends bathroom
A public toilet

in order to quench the thirst. Since having anal with SP, its the only thing I can think about and its driving me crazy. All I want to do is try it again; have SP tease me - not fuck me til I am begging for it - then slip it in when I am not expecting it, whilst sliding his fingers inside me and rubbing me with his other hand.

Damn its getting me hot thinking about it now. Good thing I am seeing SP again in a few days; I am not sure how much longer I can bear this, I need his cock to open me up once more!

Speaking of being open: I plan to finally be honest with him this week - no more playing games or pretending. I guess being truthful with SP might be a high risk situation (where I may lose him), but the possible gains I may get with him (as well as being true to myself) are worth it I think. We'll see. Wish me luck...