I posted something on Twitter just now, about how I feel wordless, that I have nothing to say about this anniversary, and I suppose that's not entirely true: I do have things to write about, I just don't feel they're worthy enough to be noted here - or they're too self-wallowing in pity to be shared publicly. But you know me: never one to not overshare... I've no fascinating news about my life, either personal or professional, that I want to note here. I've had a hard year - but who hasn't? There's been tough family stuff, but that's private and I only confide in friends about that. I've had a constant black cloud threatening to hang over me - but I keep it just out of reach by running regularly, and every day I'm grateful for this giving me the strength to carry on. Running has provided a reassuring foundation on which to build myself up, so even though I've had many lost days (and weeks) to illness and injury this past year, knowing I can return to running and fitness keeps my spirit high. Mostly, anyway. Striving for personal bests - competing with myself - continues to drive me forward and some days that's all I feel I have to go on. It may not be much, but it feels like a huge accomplishment just getting out of the house on a bad day and forcing myself to run; some days that's all I am capable of.
Reading the above, it's clear I have been down quite a bit. 2016 was, I think, also a lonely year for me. I really miss the companionship of being in a loving relationship. I miss someone laughing at my stupid jokes and my terrible clumsiness. I miss playing boardgames, and watching silly telly and making meals for two, not one. I miss being at a social event as a couple; it's horrible feeling like you're some kind of social outcast because you're the sole single person there. People talk about 'couple privilege' - that couples have a societal advantage over single people - and I mostly think that's bollocks (and single person's envy), but I do think it's true that people who are coupled up forget how tough it can be, being single, when most of your friends are married and have kids. Or as in my other social circle, where everyone is polyamorous and partnered up with multiple people, what it might feel like to be to be on the outside periphery looking in. Not that nice. I've been single a while and I have managed. It's what I do: plod on and try not to think about it. But I miss being in a relationship. I miss cuddling a lot. I miss it more than I miss sex, though thankfully my life is not entirely lacking the latter; it's just the meaning that goes with a deep loving connection is absent. I found myself agreeing with and relating to this recent piece about missing physical intimacy, even down to how I've mocked 'cuddle parties' in the past, and thought they must be for sad pathetic people. Maybe I am sad and pathetic? I don't know, I just know I'm bored of being single, and having someone who loves you caress you and stroke your hair and kiss your forehead is hugely underrated. That shit is awesome.
I'm not sure I am ready to trust someone else with my heart again, but this hesitancy must surely be holding me back. I'm a believer in putting your all into things (which is how my blog and book happened and also how I got my heart broken), so I'm sure that the only thing I can do is try to be bold, try to be strong, and push forwards in the belief that good things will come if I strive for them. I need to let go a little - because to reap rewards, you have to be willing to take risks - and I'm scared, but I have no other choice really. So this year, I'm going to try to push past my comfort zone and pursue the things I want. I have some work I want to make happen, there is a running goal I plan to achieve, and I hope to try to maybe remove one brick from the wall of defence I've built up to protect myself and let someone else in. It seems only fitting, I guess, to end this with Rocky. 💜