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Monday, April 02, 2007


“He’s fit.” He certainly is.

“Tall, muscular physique.” Agreed.

“A nice arse: well rounded.” That’s true.

“Good strong features and a full head of hair.” Yup.

“You want him.” Well… I wouldn’t say no.

“You do. Come on – look at him: he’s perfect.” He’s OK, yes.

“You, him: it’d be great.” Let’s not jump to conclusions…

“He’d be ideal – and you know it.” I don’t think so…

“Go on. Seize the day!” Look, I don’t even know him.

“Quick, before it’s too late!” OK, enough already.

“Tick tock.” Shut up.

“You’re running out of time.” I’m not listening.

“Yes, you are. Lately you’ve been listening a lot.” Well, I’m not listening now. Lalalalalala.

“Come on! You’re ripe! Do it!” Shutupshutupshutup.

“Oh, but you are. You’ve said so yourself. Your periods have never been as regular: every 28½ days – you’re in synch with the moon for fuck’s sake – now's the time!” I’m not ready.

“Who says? You’re 34 and you’re at a good place in life. The time is now!” No, it’s not; I’m not ready yet.

“What about the fact that you look at guys, imagining the combination of your features. You can’t tell me that’s not meaningful.” It isn’t meaningful.

“Ah, but you look at babies in the street and your heart pangs.” I’m telling you, if you even hint at Baby Hunger

“You said it.” Look, fuck off, alright?

Go on: get fertilised! You know you want to.” It's not as simple as that. Anyway, I’m not ready for children yet.

“But you want them, don’t you? And look: see how you’re staring at his crotch and imagining what his cock would feel like - that’s a tell-tale sign.” Yeah, a sign that I wouldn’t mind fucking him.

“No. It’s a sign that you want his babies!!!” Oh for fuck’s sake. No it’s not. I’m just feeling horny.

“Horny because you want his sperm!!!” No. Horny because I want an orgasm.

“But your orgasm is linked to wanting his babies!” No. My wanting an orgasm is not connected to my wanting his children. It's connected to the fact that I'm horny and need some release. Anyhow, I don’t even know his name for fuck’s sake - why would I want his kids?

“Because you want to have children.” That might be true. But I don’t want his children. Anyway, I want a relationship first.

“Aha! So you do want them?!” And? So fucking what?

“So that would explain why you’re always horny!” How so?

“Because you want kids!” Oh Jesus. Please tell me you’re not going the biological determinism route with this; you know my feelings on that.

“It’s the truth, ain’t it?” What? My sex drive must somehow be an evolutionary directive, with the sole purpose to procreate?

“Yup, exactly: it would explain everything.” No it fucking wouldn’t; that’s a simplistic argument and you know it.

“Whatever… But look at him: you want him!” Just shut up, please.

“Go and get his sperm! Quickly! Before we dry up and there’s no healthy eggs left!!!” Look ovaries, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going home for a wank, and when I’ve climaxed, I can tell you that the thought of having this bloke’s children will be just a distant memory. So ditch that thought right now.

“OK. Maybe he’s not the one….Speak to you again next month then.” Yes, unfortunately it would seem so...

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