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Friday, June 03, 2005


A girl can have too much of a good thing.

Not sex obviously, I can never have too much of that.

Nor of my other addiction - underwear - which at least gets the chance to make an appearance in my life on a daily basis.

No, I am talking about condoms.

Whilst cleaning my flat today, I came to a conclusion: I have too many condoms. It’s like I have been invaded by a pharmacy - they are everywhere.

The variety I have managed to collect astounds me. Alongside the Durex staple mates Extra Safe and Fetherlite (thin) that I have bought, I also have their more interesting Sensation (studded) and Pleasuremax (studded and ribbed) brands.

There are also boxes of Trojans: Ultra Pleasure (thin), Her Pleasure (ribbed), and Shared Pleasure (warming lubricant) that have been given to me free via some safe-sex marketers [what about His Pleasure?]

Then there are the freebie NHS condoms: the Condomi Nature, and Pasante Naturelle, Trim, Regular, Large and Extra Strong.

And as for flavoured, how about Blueberry, Strawberry, Orange, Lemon, Mint, Chocolate and Vanilla?

Every type, every size, every flavour. Too many.

It’s not like,

a) I have any need for condoms since my life is currently sexless
b) I am Belle De Jour and can get condoms as a tax break
c) I am planning any orgies where I’ll need such a huge variety of prophylactics

No. Most of these condoms will stay tucked up in my flat, never to see the light of day, or fulfill their short lived latex destinies of being inserted deep inside a very wet me.

Now, I am a progressive woman who believes that safe sex is a 50/50 split between both partners. I always have condoms at home, and like to give my partner the choice of type, seeing as it’ll be him wearing it. But this can be difficult: on the one hand, I want him to know I am a modern woman who comes prepared for any eventuality; on the other hand, his seeing 100 odd condoms spread all over my drawer might lead him to think me quite odd at best, a sex maniac at worst.

Plus this could make for very difficult dialogue at the heat of the moment:

“So, do you like ribbed? Or maybe silicone lubricated? Or perhaps flavoured?”

“Anything is fine, just hurry up”

“You’re not XL are you, it’s just that I’ve run out of those…”

Even with all this variety, when the 'condom moment' is there, in my experience it’s far less about ‘what type is it?’ and much more about ‘just roll it on honey, I want to fuck you now’.

Not that I am against enjoying condoms as part of foreplay (application by mouth is certainly fun), but having to interrupt the moment to ask your partner what variety he’d like to use, kind of kills the mood I think. And 99% of the time, one size really does fit all, so I guess it doesn’t matter what you use - as long as you use something.

With all this in mind - and my currently doing a clearout in my flat - I am wondering what to do with all these excess condoms. I cannot bear to throw them away - unused - it seems such a waste. But they’re hardly going to be fully utilised, given my current status. I wonder if my local charity shop would accept a condom donation?

So, when next faced with the prospect of some rampant sex in my flat, I think I might just ask the guy if he has any condoms with him instead. That way, I get to find out what he likes, and can make sure I am well stocked up on that brand for next time.

Though obviously, one box will be just fine.

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