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Monday, May 30, 2005

The Truth Hurts 

My friends’ boyfriend keeps looking at my breasts.

Granted, they aren’t small bosoms.

But he blatantly checks out my tits in front of her, and it’s really troubling me.

The thing is, I know that men look. All men look. But they do it surreptitiously, not in front of their girlfriend's eyes. His eyeballs however, seem permanently etched onto my chest and he fixates on them whenever he is in the room with me, regardless of my friend being there too.

I can’t understand why he makes his glances so obvious. Faced with,

Me being her close friend;
Her boobs being bigger than mine;
Her and me noticing him looking;

it seems odd that he would take these risks. I’m sure my friend knows, or if she doesn’t, that she would be thoroughly pissed off if she did.

Without trying to blow my own trumpet, I haven’t ruled out the possibility that maybe I represent some fantasy material for them both, and that not only does she know about his ogling, but that she quite enjoys it. That is all possible. But knowing her, not that likely.

Unfortunately it just seems that her boyfriend has a wandering eye: whether or not this brings his trustworthiness or fidelity into question, I cannot answer. I can’t jump to any conclusions here, or talk about it with my friend – I have learned the hard way that these things are better left up to a couple to work out, without the interference of a caring friend.

Ten years ago, I lost my best friend of 14 years due to a similar circumstance. B and I grew up together, spent our childhoods, teens and early twenties as close as sisters. We shared everything together: first period, first cigarette, first boyfriend. She was there for me when a friend of mine committed suicide; I was there for her when her ex-boyfriend was convicted of a violent crime. We were inseparable.

Naturally we talked about sex. We even explored each other once or twice when we were drunk and curious and laughed about it afterwards. Always supportive, we were the crutch for the other to lean on, when love dealt us the pain of heartbreak. We cried a lot together, and we told each other everything.

So when her boyfriend handed me his pager number one night, laid his hand on my knee and breathed into my ear ‘that if I ever wanted a fuck, I should call him’, my first instinct was to call B and tell her what he had said. She was totally besotted with him – I thought she would want to know that he had made a move on me. I was so wrong.

At first she was shocked, and angry and was going to dump him, but that soon changed. She swallowed his lies about me having come on to him instead of the other way round, and dumped me instead. Our last ever conversation was he calling me a ‘lying cunt’ and a ‘fucking bitch’ on the phone whilst she wept in the background.

I haven’t seen her for the last 10 years. (Happy end of friendship anniversary B)

Of course I tried to rectify things with her. I spent months calling her and writing her letters, hoping that she would see some sense and know that it was him that was lying, not me. But she didn’t want to hear, and shut me out of her life totally, whilst continuing to be in a relationship with him. The whole thing tore my heart apart; I felt the loss of her for many years.

I know that what happened says more about her being weak and an unloving, untrusting friend, than it does about me doing the ‘right thing’, but given the chance to go back in time, I wouldn’t tell her about him coming on to me. I would warn him to watch his fucking back, that he’d better not hurt her, or else, but I would let her figure out for herself what a prick he was. That way I wouldn’t have lost my best friend as a result.

So, faced with this hindsight, I know that I cannot tell my friend about her partner's wandering eye. It seems almost futile and far too risky to be worth the bother. It makes me sad, because I’d like to think that I am an honest and trustworthy person, who can tell the people I love, what I think and feel. But given the risk of losing another friend, I think I’ll just stick with wearing baggy tops and letting my shoulders slouch – a hard thing for a Girl like me to do, given that I like to wear things that compliment my figure and good posture.

Still, if I cover up, and my tits are less noticeable, he’ll have less to look at: hopefully he’ll rest his glance elsewhere in the future, right?

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