Sunday, May 15, 2005
The Girl’s Important and Helpful Rule for Men with Wives: Do not check out other women whilst you are with your partner.
If there is one thing that pisses me off, it is when married men/men with partners look at me/my body/other women whilst they are with their spouses.
I have zero tolerance of such behaviour and have been known to scowl as spitefully as I can at the perpetrators, especially if they make eye-contact with me, or, god forbid, smile at me.
This may seem contradictory for a woman like me; one might think that a Girl with a one-track mind would welcome advances from any (cute) men, whether they be taken or not.
My ego is not stroked nor my confidence boosted from being checked out by a man who is walking hand in hand with his partner. But my cynicism of the male gender being untrustworthy and selfish, is reinforced and reconfirmed, leaving me with even less hope of meeting a ‘good’ man.
However, I do not believe that once you meet a long-term partner you then lose all desire and attraction for other people. In fact I think if anything the opposite is true: the grass certainly appears greener when sex is involved. So, naturally men and women will find other people who aren’t their spouses, attractive, and they will look at them.
Fine. No problems there. I always look at attractive men, (and women), whether I am in a relationship or not and expect others to do likewise. But when I am out and about with my partner, I only have eyes for him. He is my man, my partner in life, the one I share my sexuality with. He is the one who makes me feel secure when he wraps his arm around me; whose arse I want to slap cheekily as we walk down the street; the one whose kiss will fuel me to survive the horror of Saturday shopping; the one whose eyes will fill me with fire and make me want him there and then, and rush to get home so I can feel him against me. With my man, why would I want to look at another?
So I find it insulting that married men check me out when they are with their wives. When they look at me, and check out my body and smile at me - secretly - it’s like they are indulging in their own secret fantasy, a momentary ego-stroke for them, or future wank-fodder for later. And my inability to challenge their behaviour makes me complicit in their sneakiness; just by being the woman they are looking at, makes me an accomplice in their fantasy. This private indulgence is offensive to both me and to their partners.
But it’s not the looking that I object to. It’s the looking without their partners knowing that I dislike. To me, this is an act of betrayal, and where trust, loyalty and honesty are the prerequisites to a good relationship, this duplicity lies very uneasily with me. Not that I am comparing a man secretly looking at another woman whilst he is with his wife, with secretly having sex with another woman: there are obviously huge differences here. But hiding a fantasy - the attraction to another woman - is like keeping a secret from his partner and it is this restriction of truth that seems so disloyal to me.
There is of course one exception to this situation, and that is where the man looks at another woman in front of his wife and then tells her his fantasy (and perhaps even incorporates her into it too). I have, a couple of times been checked out by a guy, where he has then leaned in towards his partner, and nudged or whispered to her, and she has turned to look at me too. They both ended up smiling at me, and I was left wondering whether they later used me as a stimulus for their shag, or even, what might have happened had I been confident enough to smile and flirt back. In this situation, the man was honest with his partner, and it made them closer because of it. The ideal scenario I think.
My last partner was unable to do this; he kept these fantasies secret, but I was aware of them: I always knew when he looked at other women when he was with me. I remember being with him at a social event, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off another woman with big breasts. He was staring and staring at her chest and I could see the horniness in his eyes. And it turned me on, seeing him turned on. All I wanted was for him to then look at me, wink and smile, and I knew that I would be part of his fantasy, that he was letting me in on his hardening cock, his desire to fuck this other woman, that we could talk about it later when we had sex, and both get off on the situation. But he didn’t look at me. He didn’t notice the fire burning in my eyes. He didn’t know that my watching him watching her, made me want him. He excluded me and continued ogling her, taking her in, as if to get every image of her embedded in his mind so that he could utilise it another time. This exclusion made me feel rejected, unwanted and undesirable and I became jealous (something I do not feel frequently) of his attraction to her.
When we got home, he pressed me against the wall and I felt his hard cock against me. And although my body responded as it always does (fast breath, erect nipples, wet pussy), I felt troubled. When he lifted my top up and cupped my breast with his hand, I wondered if it was her he was imagining. When he slowly sucked on my nipple, I wondered if he was thinking of her breast in his mouth. When he eagerly slid his cock inside me, I felt like it was her he wanted to fuck, not me.
All these insecurities and reactions I had - rational or not - would not have happened if he had have included me in his fantasy. If he had glanced over at me, and smiled, or come up to me in the party and said, “She’s got great tits, I’d love to suck on them, and watch her suck on you, it would get me so hot”, I would have responded totally differently. The fantasy would have been about us getting off on it, rather than just him. The knowledge that he excluded me from this - denied my joining him in the fantasy - and kept his sexual thoughts to himself, made me feel like I couldn’t really trust him and it created distance between us.
Given my cynicism about all this, I still long and hope to meet a man who will be able to trust me and be open about his desires and fantasies, and let me be open about mine. A man who’ll know that by being honest with me, means he can be free to express himself, and not be fearful that I would judge him or want to possess him. I want a man who will squeeze my hand on the street and whisper in my ear about how the gorgeous woman walking towards us is making him get hard, whilst knowing that it will make me want him even more.
Because a man who could do all this, is also the man who knows that he would have freer, more passionate, and wilder sex, than if he just smiled at women in the street when he was with his wife, and secretly masturbated about them without her knowing. A man that knows all this is a rare breed indeed: he's a real man.
I'm still looking.