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Thursday, May 12, 2005


When it comes to masturbation, I am a bit of a lazy wanker. I often become bored by the time-consuming sensual/loving/relationship fantasy, and tend to think about whatever will make me climax the fastest, when I want to just have a quick frig.

I have found that, contrary to my rational, non-horny mind, the things that get me off quicker than any other fantasy, are often the things I find the most repulsive. I can rub one out in under a minute if the subject matter is grotesque enough for me.

What I am talking about here, are people that I would never ever shag in real life, people that physically and mentally turn me off and make me feel sick to my stomach. But ironically, these same people, by their very grossness, are appealing to me when I am desperately horny and in need of a quick fiddle:

1) Old men
2) Obese men
3) Slimy lecherous men
4) Fat fuck-witted Sun-reading “Oi, Darling” builders
5) Men who come too quick/selfish lovers
6) Ugly men
7) Right-wing men
8) Policemen
9) Politicians
10) A group of men standing over me doing Bukkake

I find all of these repugnant in every way, but when horniness strikes, and time constraints require a quick release, a brief moment perusing these thoughts will bring me off almost immediately.

I used to wonder about these fantasies, and spent some time trying to dissect them, to disseminate meaning from them, as if by understanding them, it would help me have some insight into myself.

Not any more. Now I just think, ‘whatever turns me on, turns me on’; I have accepted that sometimes I may think about my current partner; or I may think about a previous partner; or someone I would like to be my partner; perhaps I think about my friends and colleagues; and maybe that handsome man I saw earlier that day; occasionally I even think about the writers of some of the blogs I read; and sometimes, when I am in a hurry and feeling more carnal, more hungry than I can cope with, I rub one out whilst thinking about the things I find the most repulsive.

None of this has any meaning whatsoever in my opinion. The only thing in common, that all the above have, is the contribution to my obtaining an orgasm. Nothing more, nothing less. The things that turn me on and I find disgusting are just the flip-side of the coin where the opposite exists also: attraction is the synonym of repulsion. The two go hand in hand. What repels, also attracts.

By embracing this - by acknowledging that this contradiction exists in me, no matter how repelled by the idea I might be – I believe I am in a better position to know and understand my sexuality and desire. And having this insight will surely assist in my seeking of pleasure and obtaining the fulfilment of my desires.

Or in other words, I’ve got a few good wanks lined up in the future.

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