Sunday, January 16, 2005
In conversation with a woman at work the other day, the subject of sex came up - as it does. This woman told me that she found it hard to climax during sex. She admitted to me that orgasm during masturbation wasn't a problem for her; it was just when she was with a partner that climaxing was a problem.
We talked some more and it turned out that for her, sex was only about the expression of love for someone; if she wasn't in love with the person she was having sex with, or was worried that they weren't in love with her, then she wasn't able to come. Thus, sex was solely about a personal loving interaction, nothing else. There seemed to be a simple equation with her: no love = no orgasm.
Well of course I disagreed with her. I mean, sex having to be connected with love? Not always. And it got me thinking: what is sex?
For me, sex falls into 3 categories:
1. Making love: Sharing something totally intimate, caring and loving with someone you love; expressing how you feel about them through tender physical intimacy. It is emotionally and physically intense, full of meaning, powerful, and only possible to experience with a partner that you have feelings for. A way of connecting to another person. The equivilent of finishing the end of someone's sentences.
2. Having sex: Fun, laid back physical expression of desire. A good release of pent up frustration, both mental and physical. Not necessarily tied with emotions. Can be with a long-term partner, or with a fuck buddy. Like a game of tennis, but with fewer balls and less clothes.
3. Fucking: Expressing carnal desires through rampant shagging. This is hot, wet, licking, sucking, biting, gripping, slapping, fucking. This is where you've had the horn all day, not played with yourself, and rushed home to your partner to push them against the wall, rip their clothes off and fuck them hard. Or where you meet someone new, realise the animal attraction between you is so intense that you throw all caution to the winds, forget about your inhibitions, and devour their body hungrily. A purely physical expression.
And with regards to the above, I seem diametrically opposed to the aforementioned woman's experience in terms of climaxing. I certainly have no problem orgasming - if anything, it's the opposite with me - finding it a little too easy when I have sex or fuck someone, (something I have been embarassed about occasionally, feeling like I have premature female orgasm (if there is such a thing)).
It's all too easy to disconnect emotionally from sex and fucking - probably what makes it such fun - and so easy to climax. But making love, well, it's all about connecting to your feelings and translating them into a physical interaction with the other person. It would be fair to say I find this appealing and intimidating simultaneously: I find it a lot harder to let go, when feelings are involved, thus making it a little more difficult to climax.
Still, I'd choose to make love with someone over a meaningless shag any day. These easy climaxes may be appealing, but they can end up feeling empty and pointless because there's no feelings involved. I suppose if this Girl with a one-track mind has learned anything over the past year, it's that even orgasms can be unfulfilling sometimes and that there is more to life than sex. Not profound, I know, but a little learning curve for me, all the same...