Red wine talking...

Ok, so I'm drunk. Shouldn't be blogging really, no good to anyone right now - except perhaps my pudenda...

But anyway, here's what was on my mind today:

1. SP behind me sliding his cock between my legs and then into my ass
2. SP running his hands around my labia, teasing me
3. Sitting on SP's face
4. Grinding up against SP til his cock slides into me
5. Sucking SP til he's ready for me to fuck him
6. And riding B hard (yes I know, he's not even worth the fantasy - but he has such a gorgeous cock)

Needless to say its been a busy day: 3 plays so far (about to embark on number 4). And all with only two fingers (no vibes, balls or other delights). Sometimes only Mama knows best...

Here's to strong coffee, aspirin and a hot fiddle - all of which I shall be embracing come tomorrow morning...

G'night x

Time is running out...

Beginning to get fed up with SP's continual pull-me/push-me games. When we're together he wants intimacy and closeness, and when we're apart it's like nothing exists between us. It's driving me up the wall. I don't know how much more I can put up with. If it wasn't for the amazing sex between us (see below) and the fact that we have a wonderful time in each others company, I would have walked already. If he doesn't drop the teenager and start acting like an adult soon, it won't be long before I do...

Anyway, the fun: after coming back from a lovely evening by the river I pushed him onto his bed and told him to take off his clothes. He lay there naked whilst I removed my skirt and top and stood in front of him, bra, panties and stilettos still on. I got him to play with himself whilst I reached for some lube and then I took over rubbing him. He was really getting off on that, but that wasn't the main event. I pulled out the new cock ring I bought him, lubed it up and slid it onto him. Within seconds of me turning the vibe on he was hard. I put the vibe in my hand and rubbed it against his shaft and balls whilst I sucked the head of his cock. Damn it was so hot. SP was writhing around in pleasure; it felt wonderful to be driving him so wild. It got me so horny to see him like that that I couldn't help myself: I ripped off my panties, climbed up over him and slid his cock into me. We had slow, intense passionate sex and when he finally climaxed, his orgasm felt harder and more intense than it ever has. Just wonderful...

A little later, as we were drifting off to sleep SP starts slowly caressing my ass and thighs. I got wet immediately and he kept looking at me and smiling as he saw how turned on I was getting. SP rubbed me gently between my legs - but never on my clit or inside me - just around and around for ages. He was driving me crazy: all I wanted was for him to be inside me, but he wouldn't even put his fingers in. He was taking delight in teasing me and I could feel him getting harder against me as a result. By the time he reached for a condom I was begging him to fuck me. And when he finally entered me I climaxed immediately. Damn it was good.

SP knows how to drive a woman wild and I love that, but I hate him for it all the same; it's like I feel powerless when I'm with him, driven solely by my desire, which he is able to direct and control on his terms. He makes me horny all the time, and I can't think straight when I have a burning heat between my legs.

I should be thinking:
SP is still fucking a 19 year old
SP is messing me about
SP doesn't prioritise me in his life
SP doesn't call me often enough
SP is unable to let me in to his heart

But instead I am thinking: 
That when we are together its like we are in love - the way he looks at me, the things he says
That when he holds my hand or caresses my face I melt
That whenever I am mad, SP then calls or texts and asks me to see him
That when he kisses me I get wet
That I have never had such intense orgasms (with him, or whilst playing on my own) 

Grr. I hate this. I hate that I have become a boring repetitive woman obsessing over a man. I am a feminist for crissakes - what a hypocrite! It annoys me how much time I am spending thinking about this person (when he probably doesn't deserve it). Plus, my blog has become rather dull too - I'll have to look elsewhere for stimulating material I think...

In the meantime, I am in 'fuck you' mode (maybe from listening to too much Ani Di Franco), and I don't wanna waste too much of my time getting annoyed by a bloke - my life hasn't stopped. I am still running (damn fine calves and thighs) and loving it. I am still busy with work, though officially I am on a brief break. I am catching up with old friends (hmm and maybe fuck buddies too) most of whom figure I am dead to the world when I am filming (kinda true). And I've got a whole heap of movies to catch up on; I'm looking forwards to getting some mental stimulation and escapism - reckon my brain needs a workout too...

ANAL SEX - THE END OF AN ERA...


We all had a night out this week - about 2/3 of the crew were there - and boy do film crews 'do' nights out. If anyone reading this is familiar with crews, you'll understand what I mean.

I invited SP to the party. He came up to me in the club, starts dancing up against me. He didn't know that I used to dance; I grind up against him - he can barely control himself, told me to stop, that he would cum in his trousers if I didn't. But his hard-on felt good pressed up against my ass; I had a lot of fun on the dancefloor with him, mmm.

In the early hours SP and I staggered out of the club, went back to his hotel. My head was spinning from all the whisky and I fell onto a chair. SP pulled off my shoes, my trousers, and with fire in his eyes, my thong. Then he knelt down on the floor and licked me out for half an hour. I was so drunk, it felt so good, and I recall squeezing his head hard between my legs as he pushed his tongue inside me as I climaxed. Lovely.

I crawled onto the bed exhausted, but still horny. I couldn't resist lying there with my hand between my legs; I was still throbbing and wet from my orgasm. SP pulled off his clothes, sat behind me, and slid his fingers inside me. I got all worked up again, and by the time he slid another two fingers into my ass I was coming again.

I may have mentioned that I suspected SP is into being dominant - he has been pushing the boundaries a little more each time we have been together - which I love. So I am lying on my front and SP says:

"Spread your legs"

and I do. And he says,

"No. Wider. I want to see your pussy."

And I widen his view. Then he whispers:

"Play with yourself."

My fingers were travelling back down there anyway. I start rubbing my clit. I hear him moan and move towards me. Then I feel his fingers enter me and he begins to fuck me with his hand. He moves them harder and faster and it hurts and I am coming again. Then he puts his other fingers back into my ass and fucks me hard with both hands. I want his cock. I push myself up against him. He asks me:

"Do you want my cock now?"

"God yes." I answer

He says:

"Not until I think you're ready."

I beg him, tell him I'm ready. I want him inside me. I can feel him pressing against me. I can hardly bear it. He asks me again if I am ready. I almost cry with desperation, and then he removes his fingers from my pussy and slides his cock into me, his fingers still fucking my ass. I am so wet and so close. And I can't believe it: I want his cock in my ass. I was taken over by my desire. I wanted him to do it so badly. And when he slid another finger in, I knew it would be any minute now. Finally SP pulls out of my pussy and slowly slides his cock into my ass. I rub my clit furiously as he fucks my ass and moments later, I cum harder than I ever have. After my climax I lay there exhausted and he pulled out and cuddled me.

There were a few things I was suprised at:

a) That it didn't hurt (well his small cock has its advantages I guess)
b) That he didn't cum (it was all about my pleasure that night)
c) That I would want it so badly
d) That it would make me cum so hard
e) That I would end up doing it that night, especially since I've been 'saving' it until I knew he was 'the one'

But anyway, it was lovely and afterwards SP wanted to cuddle and kiss, and I was just shagged out - really. He looking at me, caressing me and starts to 'talk' again (always him bringing up 'us') and accuses me of being distant and that I was scared of commitment. I responded:

"I'm not the one making love with you and also fucking a teenager."

And he looked down and agreed with me. I said I wasn't going to 'let him in' (to my heart) and he said:

"No. Don't. Don't... Not yet..."

And I told him not to worry, that he wouldn't get close. Then he asked me if I am free this week, do I want to have dinner, stay over. I say ok. I get up to go back to my hotel - get my 2 hours sleep. He asks me to stay. I refuse. And I left. I felt good: my pleasure, my terms, my walking out. If he wants to be intimate with me, have me let him in, spend time with him, he needs to sacrifice the teenager. Full stop.

So I leave. Sleep for two hours. Go to work, feel like shit. But it was all worth it. SP texts me while we're at work, tells me he can't stop thinking about what we did. When we spoke later I told him I almost regretted having anal with him - only because I envisioned it being romantic - and I never expected to be so horny that I would beg him to do it to me. He apologised, I laughed, told him I was wet thinking about it. He sent me another text later, said he would "never forget that night" and I am thinking, no, me neither. I want to have a wank right now...

So, my first anal wasn't the 'lovemaking' experience I hoped/expected it to be. But it was fucking sexy, so go figure.

THIS WEEKEND

All I have been thinking about this weekend is SP fucking my ass. Never knew I would find the idea so hot. Boy have I been having some good climaxes. Been getting busy with my balls and double headed vibe too. Yummy. Think we may have to explore that area some more...

Speaking of exploration, I just had to get these for SP (and me of course):
Cock ring
Love beads
Anal lube

It looks like SP and I may have some serious fun ahead of us...

SP - back to square one...

Ah, the SP saga continues. But first, the sex...

So, I arrive at his place, planning to suck his cock as a 'hello' but it just wasn't possible: we grabbed each other as I opened the front door; I dropped my bags and SP pulled me to him and pressed his cock against me. Within minutes we were on the sofa, me kneeling, SP taking me from behind. It was hot, steamy, fast, hard and explosive. And then we went out to lunch - very civilised and English!

This morning we had our wake up fuck, but this time he pulled out the handcuffs he bought me. He strapped me in them and pushed me onto my front, my hands above my head. Then he poured loads of lube all over me and slid 4 fingers inside me. I was so hot I could hardly bear it. And then he pushed me: he slid 2 fingers in my ass at the same time as the 4 fingers in my pussy. It felt so good, and when he began spanking me with his hand, I wanted his cock inside my ass so badly. (But he ain't getting that until he commits to me, see below). Anyway he fucked my ass and pussy with his fingers until I came and came. It was bloody lovely. And then he turned me over, pushed my legs over my head and thrust his cock into me. Needless to say I pretty much exploded with that. Very nice.

SP went to make me breakfast a little while later and I started getting horny again, thinking about his cock in my ass. I began playing and as I was near, I called him into the room. It was great, he had no idea that I was lying there, wet as hell, and within seconds of seeing me with my hand between my legs, he was pulling down his shorts and grasping his cock. Watching me come made him even harder and when my convulsions had ceased, he slid himself into me and fucked me for dear life. We came together - as always - and when we were done, he held my face and said "I love it, I love it". And so do I. Thinking about it now has made me wet again, will have to go play in a sec...

But first: the bad news: Yesterday we sat by the river holding and kissing each other and SP looks deeply into my eyes and says:

"We need to talk".

He's done this a few times now - and its always serious. I'm thinking:

"C'mon, lets just enjoy each other"

but he wants to be open and honest, so I say:

"Ok".

And then he proceeds to tell me - once again - that he is scared of being in a relationship with me, that he wants to, but he fears getting burned, that he likes being single, and that he is still fucking the 19 year old.

I ask him:

"How's that going for you?"

He replied:

"She's 19 and beautiful. She comes round, we shag, she leaves. I don't need to phone her or have any of her baggage. It's every man's dream."

And I felt like saying "You fucker" and walking away. But I didn't. It stung that he said she was beautiful; made me feel sick and hurt. But I still didn't leave. We talked and talked. I told him I didn't know what I wanted, but that getting to know him more and seeing how things ended up was where I was at. Of course I want him to stop fucking the 19 year old - it offends me that with the fantastic sex we have, he is still doing that. And I am insulted because with all that I am offering him:

1) More sex than he can imagine
2) Exploration of his fantasies
3) Chance to dominate in bed (yes I was right about him)
4) A girl who is endlessly horny
5) Intense orgasms (on both sides)
6) A Blow job on demand (and often)
7) Anal (eventually)
8) Group sex (girls/guys/whatever)
9) Intellectual stimulation
10) My love and my heart and my taking on his emotional baggage

and he still has to fuck her. It just hurts. Part of me wants to just walk away now; the other feels that its worth hanging on - that he will come round and embrace the situation and start being a man not a boy.

I give him one month, then I walk. That's it. In the meantime, I am very tempted to fuck someone else. Partly because I need to feel desirable and wanted and not exclusive to him, and partly because I want him to know that he is not the centre of my world and hurt him a little. Childish I know, but hey, I am worth more than being a side dish on his platter; I deserve to be an entire three-course meal and it's his loss if he doesn't want to eat...

SP on my mind...
 
Still hotel-ing it, shooting out in the countryside this week. The thrill of this particular location has long gone. It's wet, windy and cold here - almost like a weather vacuum - and I miss London city life.
 
More than that I miss SP. We are separated by time and distance and I have found it hard not seeing him this week. I am especially frustrated that we have to wait til the weekend to have sex - its just not often enough for me. I think about him all the time and the desire to have his cock inside me is almost overwhelming; I am permanently wet...
 
Anyway, we have had to resort to phone sex - which has been fun - though frustrating. SP seems to know just what to say ("my cock is hard for you, I want you to suck on it"; "I'm gonna slide your pants down and fuck you hard"; "I'm gonna rub your clit until you drip then I'm gonna slide my cock in") and I have had some wonderful orgasms in the honeywagons at work, and in my hotel room.
 
But I need real contact with SP, to be able to touch, hold, kiss and fuck him and I cannot wait until I see him again tomorrow. My plan? To walk up behind him, slide my hands around his ass and between his legs until I have his balls and cock in my grasp and to squeeze and rub him until he gets hard for me. Then turn him around and press myself against him, so he can feel the heat between my legs before pulling his trousers down, dropping to my knees and taking his whole cock in my mouth. It'd be a nice way to say  I missed him I reckon...
 
With regards to my previous list, we have briefly covered the third item: Spanking. I suspect (and hope) that SP is into dominating me; he has promised me a good spanking this weekend. I shall report the results shortly...
 

SP - the saga continues...

No time to blog, first time I've been near my computer for a week and I am off to a hotel for work in a minute. Not able to update properly: a list will have to suffice. Damn annoying, but there you go.

1. SP told me he was scared to have a relationship. I told him 'ditto'. Since that conversation we have been extremely close.
2. Didn't turn down sex with SP; we have been making love all week.
3. Saw another ex-fuck buddy this week at the studio. Not even tempted to go there.
4. Wore my black/pink basque with SP. He practically ripped off the matching thong and forced me to sit on his face. I had my first oral orgasm.
5. I sucked off SP til he came in my mouth (and his belly). Haven't let a man do that for over 15 years. What was pleasurable, was seeing the satisfaction it gave him.
6. Almost had anal sex with SP. He has been busily working away at the area with his fingers all week (much to my delight). I was very tempted to let him slide his cock into my ass, but I still wanna wait (until I know whether he is being monogamous with me).
7. SP bought me some handcuffs. It felt wonderful having my hands strapped together above my head. I love that he can dominate me and wants to pleasure me so much. It makes him hard getting me off. Fantastic!
8. I spent my first (non-working) weekend with SP. There is nothing better than being woken up with a hard cock in between your legs and a slow, deep, wet fuck. And to follow that with freshly ground coffee and a cooked breakfast is like heaven. I can't wait to see SP again...

So, things I want to do with SP, but haven't yet covered:

a) Anal sex
b) Group sex
c) Spanking
d) Fisting
e) Voyeurism

Think we've got a few interesting coversations lined up...

Fuck Buddy Mania...

Firstly some business for those who have emailed questions or who are too lazy to read earlier posts:

1) I am female whether you like it or not/approve/believe me. This blog is written for my pleasure and to express myself freely. If readers get off on it too, then great.

2) I do change the names/places/dates of people and events - slightly, if only to respect and protect the anonymity of those I am talking about.

3) I work in the mainstream UK film industry, not the porn industry. I shall not divulge my job; what I will say is that, like all crew, I work shitty hours, get hardly any sleep and suffer from lack of a social life whilst I am working. I do however love my job, and being busy all the time has its advantages (like not being able to spend my earnings). I may moan about the 15-18 hour days, but I'd rather be doing that than sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day despairing about my boring life...


It's getting frustrating that I can only update this blog sporadically at the moment...

It's been a week since I've heard from SP; although he's been away on business again for a few days, the lack of communication between us worries me, especially since he had been texting me regularly up to now, telling me how much he was missing me etc. So I decided to call him: we spoke for 2 minutes - it was cold, distant and strange. Something is up, I will have to talk with him tomorrow when I see him. My gut instinct is that he is having second thoughts about the whole thing; I couldn't sleep for thinking about it all.

Of course the day I am due to see SP again is the day we go into late-night overtime. Fab money, but a 17 hour day on top of 2 hours driving with only 4 hours sleep didn't make for a happy Girl with a One Track mind and when I finally got to SP's late at night, I was truly exhausted. It was a little awkward at first between us, but then we fell into each others arms; it was all so simple and relaxed.

I decided to talk honestly with SP and I told him that I wanted to get to know him better and that I didn't want to fuck anybody else. Then he blew me away: said that he didn't want a relationship, that he couldn't promise that he wouldn't have another fuck buddy and he admitted that he's been fucking a 19 year old. To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. I told him I couldn't fuck him anymore if that was the case and I said goodnight and left the room.

Now my intention was to go straight to sleep - I was exhausted - and because I was angry and hurt, I didn't want to fuck SP. But when he came into my room to see if I was ok, I just melted into his arms, and feeling his erection pressed up against me made me want him even more. We ended up in bed together and we fucked as if there was no tomorrow. It was frantic and furious and I recall making him scream out in pain as I dug my nails into his hips pulling him deeper into me. My final climax was so intense that I felt like I was going to cry; I had to pull a pillow over my face to hide the tears that streamed down my face as I shook with pleasure. And when it was all over, I just wanted him to leave, to be alone with my thoughts. But SP stayed and cuddled, kissed and stroked me. He asked me what was wrong as he caressed my lips and face. I got his hand and pulled it away from my face and went to the bathroom. I must've been in there 20 minutes - I couldn't bear seeing him. When I came out he was waiting for me and cuddled me and stroked my hair. I told him to stop it - that it wasn't fair - and I went to bed. I was so upset I couldn't sleep - not even giving myself a quick rub made me feel better.



Needless to say, the next day was shitty for me and my mood was low. I felt so confused. SP had been chasing me and giving me clear signals about wanting intimacy; now he wanted to have his cake (me) and eat it too (the 19 year old). Gutted. I spent the day angry with him and me, and even having two of the actors tell me how sexy I looked today didn't boost my ego.

All I could think was 'what has this 19 year old got that I don't?'

Q) A tighter cunt?
A) I've not had any complaints so far.

Q) A fitter body?
A) I've an athletic build - my calves, thighs and ass are pretty damn firm.

Q) Better in bed?
A) I've got more experience, am a sex fiend and SP told me I gave him the best blow job he's ever had, so its hardly likely.

Q) Great intellectual compatibility?
A) Oh, come on, she's 19!

So anyway, after much debate and discussion with my girlfriends, I decided to do the following:

I went back to SP's place after work (as agreed with him). He was out, I showered, got changed into my black lacy french knickers and a black vest, had 3 glasses of wine and lay on SP's bed waiting for him to come home.

And when he got back, I gave him the fuck of his life. He kept staring at me whilst we were fucking, as if he was in shock and I rode him as if it were the last fuck of my life. I kept thinking whilst I was riding his cock: "I bet your 19 year old can't do this", and I climaxed 10 times (it would have been 20 if I hadn't had to be up for work at 5am) that night.

SP said that he couldn't cum as he'd had too much too drink and that he wanted to lie there holding me instead. But I wanted to see him cum, so I got up off him and told him to play with himself. He grasped his cock and slowly rubbed the end of it. I watched him and then moved down his body and licked the shaft slowly, letting my tongue piercing drag on the skin. He groaned and moved his hand away, letting me suck all of his cock. I sucked and licked and rubbed long, hard, slow, soft and in the final stages, furiously, until with a groan he finally spurted all over his belly. He pulled me up over him, kissed me passionately and told me no-one had ever made him cum before when he'd had that much to drink. I lay there and smiled. I was content - with my own pleasure, and his. And, with the knowledge that I'd fucked the living daylights out of SP. He won't forget that in a hurry...