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Friday, December 17, 2004

Stupid is as stupid does

Another late night blogging episode. Though I am not drunk this time, but I am a stupid fool nevertheless. I could kick myself for my idiocity today.

I was on the way to meet friends, running late - not entirely unusual for me, having to attend to my own particular call of nature for the second time just before I left the house. Anyway, I rush to get on the tube and a while later I find myself on a packed carriage on the misery line and forced to stand.

As I turn my head to survey my surroundings I feel someone staring at me and my eyes lock with this guy sitting across from me. He looks away when I catch his gaze and I sneak a look at him.

Messy dark blond/pale brown hair? Check
Blue/green/grey eyes? Check
Fresh stubble? Check
Well built? Check
Thirtyish and 'ripe'? Check
Large hands? Check
Large feet? Check
Cute? Check
Have I got an obsession with the above features in a guy? Most definitely, CHECK.

His eyes turn back and catch me staring at him. I look away, can't help smiling. I pretend to listen to my i-pod, I have no idea what songs were playing. All I could think was

'You know you wanna look at him, go on, look'

and I would try to sneak a glance, when I thought he wasn't looking. And each time, he would catch me doing it and smile. He had the most gorgeous smile, and his eyes would light up with these fantastic laughter lines when his mouth broadened. Oh what a mouth. Such luscious full lips. I found myself fighting off the desire to go and kiss them gently whilst caressing his smile lines.

Anyway, we kept staring at each other and smiling and looking away shyly and then repeating the process. Over and over again. For 15 minutes or so. He liked me, I liked him and I became aware that this was one of those 'Passing ships in the nights moments', that everyone experiences at some point (and for some strange reason, usually on the London Underground), but that is most definitely a rarity, where two people thrown together by some random fate find that they have an mutual attraction, but nothing ever comes of it and they both go their seperate ways.

I always promised myself that if this ever happened to me again, I wouldn't be one of those sad fuckers who let the chance pass them by, only to regret it later and have to put an ad in the local paper, hoping the object of their affection will contact them. No, not me. I was going to grab the bull by the horns and make sure things happened. I mean, why not? What is there to lose, right? You've only got one chance in this world, you should take every opportunity that you get offered. So I thought I'd be prepared and make the most of the situation if it happened to me.

And did I? Did I hell. Damn fool. At some point, the guy stood up to get off the train, looking back at me as he exited the carriage, smiling. And then he stood on the platform and winked at me. Winked. If there ever was a time and a place to wink, that was it. I felt special. He was cute. It was.... classy. And it made me grin back at him madly. Then he began to walk along the platform and bent down to peer in the window and he smiled at me and waved. And I waved back. Now you would think with all that I have said above about how much I liked him, how I am assertive, and how I don't like to miss opportunities that I would have jumped off that train there and then and talked to him.

Well I didn't. My legs were glued to the carriage. I was stuck in a time-warp where everything moved slowly apart from the resounding thud thud of my heart as it hit the inside of my rib-cage. I was in limbo. I couldn't move. He is standing there grinning and waving, I am standing there grinning and waving. And I didn't think to move. Until the doors closed and the train starting pulling off that is. And suddenly everything is lucid again in my brain and I am thinking

'No! I want to get off the train. No! Stop! I have to get off to speak to him'

and the train is pulling away from the station now and I can see the guy still waving at me and I am asking myself

'Would I get fined if I pull the emergency lever now? The train needs to let me off. Surely it's a matter of life and death?'

and I am silently screaming

'Oh my god, I just let him slip through my fingers, WHY??'

and I feel like Unluckyman on a bad day, the world seeming to conspire against me and celebrate my misfortune. The other passengers on the train were certainly looking at me, that's for sure, probably wondering why this i-podded woman was simultaneously laughing out loud and gritting her teeth whilst shaking her fist at the sky/carriage ceiling.

I let it go, and I lost him. Forever. And now I have become one of those sad fuckers left wondering about what might have been, rather than knowing what could be. I am embarrassed to say that a part of me has considered doing the whole personal ad/desperation thing to find him, but also I even hoped that this guy might be a reader of this blog and get in touch with me, but I know that this is totally unrealistic (and I am NOT asking for unsolicited emails pretending to be him either).

So, I am a fool and there is nothing I can do, but accept my actions, stupid though they may be. I guess fate sometimes shines on you (and in a positive way, it did), and the only thing I can do, is learn from this experience and NEVER FUCK IT UP SO STUPIDLY AGAIN!

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