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Sunday, October 12, 2008


My dating life being fucked? Well, I suppose I could always take up one of the generous offers I receive:

Email: tom[redacted]@yahoo.com

Subject: i want no strings fun

Message: hi zoe im tom i want no strings fun with you i seen you on tv im 30 with brown hair want a SHAG OK MY NUMBA IS 07[redacted] TXT IF CAN N WILL RING U BK WEN DA WIFES NOT AROUND I WOULD LOVE URE TITS IN MY FACE WITH U ON TOP OF ME I LIVE IN [redacted] BUT CAN TRAVEL 2 LONDON 4 SEX OK YOUR LOOKS R WELL WORTH THE JOURNEY BABE NO STRINGS THOUGH YA

'Tom', don't hold your breath: I won't be making contact. Not now, or ever. Besides the obvious reasons (I never asked to be your 'friend' on Myspace*, fucker), it's safe to say I have a preference for men who don't cheat on their partners and who also never use txt spk: they're the two quickest ways to dry a woman up, I guarantee it. (A lack of personal hygiene in the cock area is the third way – but then everyone knows that.)

Seriously though, when I'm approached with an opportunity to shag a philandering, ignoramus dickhead, how could I possibly refuse? What a catch!!!

*Anyone that has 247 million friends is no friend of mine.

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