“So Girl, what did you get up to in New York then?”

Oh you know, had two business meetings; four brunches; five lunches; eight dinners; and various amounts of cocktails in nine different bars.

Apart from eating and drinking? Well, I visited a fun nightclub where I got to watch women in underwear slide their fingers between each others’ legs and rub their tits together.

For free.

Then I went to a sexy museum where I looked at pictures of men’s cocks and watched hours of hardcore porn.

For free.

I also spent a day sunbathing at the beach watching big breasted Latina women rub oil onto themselves.

Also for free.

Plus I had the added bonus of observing my friend trying not to get an erection.

But what about the people? Well, I met three marathon runners who impressed me with their beautifully sculpted bodies; had seven dates with three different men (one with his sexy girlfriend); almost gave my number to two others who flirted with me whilst I was shopping; but only smiled at the five who whistled at me on the street.

And I ate whipped cream with a famous comedienne.

Yes, yes, but what else? Well, I spent a good afternoon in Paragon buying two pairs of running shoes, a rain jacket, cold-weather leggings and marathon-distance socks, in advance of me running outside in the cold British months ahead. Clearly I am a dedicated runner and people will have to take me seriously now that I have all the proper attire.

Sports stuff is all very well, but, more importantly, what sexy stuff did you get? I did end up buying two pairs of ‘Fuck me’ 5-inch heels; and one bright pink ‘I want to fuck you’ baby-doll dress (with matching thong). I was tempted to buy a black ‘You’d better fuck me now, or I am leaving’ basque with red lace, but feared I would duplicate what I already own.

What about parties, surely you wanted to play a little? Well I bought The Bible and had hoped to eat some cake with the correct implement, but just didn’t find the time. I hope to get my legs in shape for my next visit though.

And amongst all that, I was very English and actually ate a cream tea.

As well as frigged on a regular basis.

“Oh, you know, just a bit of shopping”