Tuesday, August 16, 2005
How not to chat up The Girl
"Would you please stop looking at my tits!" I pleaded.
"I'm not" he retorted, his eyes still glued to my bosoms.
"Yes, you are - look!" I pointed at the direction of his gaze, which was focused solely on my nipple line.
He quickly averted his eyes upwards. "See, I'm not looking" he said, defensively, his eyes immediately reverting back to breast-level position.
I stood there and raised a solitary eyebrow at him. Pointing at my breasts, I told him, "Do I look blind?! You haven't been able to keep your eyes off them since you began talking to me".
I shook my head in disbelief.
"But they're just - you know - there" he pleaded, gesturing towards them, adding, "I can't help it"
I looked down at my non-low cut, non-revealing blouse and watched him attempt to give me direct eye contact and fail. All he could do was glance from my breasts to my eye-line, and then back again. He looked up at me and shrugged hopelessly. Clearly this man needed help.
He had spent the last half an hour trying to chat me up. Trying, being the operative word, since his technique was severely lacking. Unable to remove his eyes from my chest area, he had barely been able to maintain any form of conversation, and had asked me to repeat everything I said, such was his inability to concentrate. I knew that if he used the technique he had been using on me, on another woman, he was risking being ignored (at best) - or, more likely - getting a large slap from her. So I decided to help him.
"Look, um, what did you say your name was again?" I asked
"G" he said, asking that I emphasise the latter consonants in his name. (Interesting, I thought, this attention to personal detail; and ironic that he could then overlook the necessary basic social skills with women).
"OK G" I said, rolling the other consonants off my tongue as if I were practising my favorite dabbling technique on the underside of a cock, "this is how it is: you are not to look at my tits from now on. Got that?"
He grimaced and looked at my tits.
"You must be able to give me eye contact - try it" I pleaded
He stared at me with all his concentration. Three seconds later he was staring at my breasts again.
"Honestly", I groaned, "you're just not trying, you're pathetic..."
He shrugged, and looked back at my tits once more.
"For fucks sake G, do you really think that is the way to win women over?" I asked him, "is that your tried and tested pulling technique?"
He mumbled something incoherent and tried to focus on my eyes. I watched his eyes lower themselves to my tits again. I knew that I was fighting a losing battle.
"OK, enough. We're going to have to try a different tactic. I want you to look at my tits"
He looked up at me. "Really? No, I couldn't possibly..."
"Seriously, I want you to stare at them, really get an eyeful. Go on, look at 'em" I glanced down at my chest hoping his eyes would follow.
He stared at me, speechless.
"Come on G, take a good look, do it. I know you want to", I said, trying to be persuasive.
"Really? Are you sure?" he asked, shyly, his face going a little red.
"Yes. Go on, look. Have a really good look."
He still seemed unsure whether I was being serious or not and his eyes flitted between my eyeline and my breasts awkwardly.
"Do it G. Look. I want you to get a really good look, because that's all you're gonna get. For the next thirty seconds, you are going to look at my tits, and after that, you will not look at them again. Understand?"
"Right. Now look at them" I lowered my hands to my breasts, cupped them through my blouse and gently squeezed them together.
Unsurprisingly he lowered his eyes to my hands and stared at my chest, not removing his gaze.
"That's good", I said, reassuringly, "look at them. Get a really good eyeful. Picture them in your mind, memorise every curve, each outline". I removed my hands and looked at my watch. "15 seconds left".
He stared - a man possessed - his expression one of awe mixed with excitement. I watched his mouth turn into a wide smile.
He bit his lip and his eyes wandered across my chest.
He looked up at me.
"Right. You've had your look, yes?"
"And you can recall them clearly in your mind, every detail?"
"OK, good. Now, pay attention: whenever a woman you are with is speaking, or you are talking to her, you must look her in the eyes, just like you are doing with me now. Do you understand?"
He nodded again, his eyes levelling mine.
"There are two exceptions to this rule. Number one is that you can look at her tits, but - and I cannot state how important this is - never when in conversation; only when she is looking away. Got that?"
He nodded enthusiastically.
"You mustn't even slightly glance at her tits whilst either you or her are talking - don't think you can get away with a small sneaky peek - you can't: women always know when guys are staring at their breasts and you'll get rated as a class A arsehole if you do it. Still with me?"
"I think. So I can look, but only when her head is turned, right?" he asked
"Yes. Like this" I turned to look at the dancefloor, "you can look at my tits now, but as soon as I turn my head back, you need to give me eye contact again" I turned round to face him once more.
He was staring at my eyes.
"You're learning. Excellent. You've got to practice this; you'll get better, trust me"
He looked at me excitedly. "Fantastic. So I can look at tits, but as long as she doesn't catch me looking, it's fine?!"
"Something like that, yeah"
"So what's the other exception to the rule then?" he asked me, somewhat gleefully.
"Ah, well that's simple. If you're sitting in a darkened corner and her tongue is down your throat and her hand on your crotch, then you can take it as a given that you can not only look at her tits, but you can give them a good feel as well" I answered.
He laughed. "You are an amazing woman. How do you know all this stuff?!"
"Lets just say, I have a lot of male friends and I do my best to ensure they get laid, seeing as many of them are hopeless with women", I said, quickly adding "and if you make sure you don't stare at another woman's tits like you have with mine tonight, I'm sure you'll do just fine"
"You should be charging for this" he said, "men would pay good money for advice on how to pick up women"
I laughed at the irony of the situation - given how poor I currently am - and then thought about how best to blog about it at a later date; wondering whether he may be right.