The Girl's 10-point Guide to One Night Stands (for women)

1) Be clean, hygenic and keep your muff neat. In other words, prepare for a normal night out.

2) Wear nice pants. Whether you choose a thong, hipster hotpant, or brief, you will impress them: men are easily pleased by flimsy material. Again, clean ones are a must, take an extra pair out with you if possible. Especially if you are planning on draping them over his face at some point during the night.

3) Always take condoms with you; you never know when you might need them. Practise putting them on a dildo with your hands and also with your mouth: the latter skill especially helps when they go soft at the sight of a little bit of latex.

4) Relax for goodness' sake: it is just sex. It doesn't need to mean anything.

5) Enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful. Don't spend time focussing on your insecurities:

a) Take it as given that if you are getting naked with him, that he fancies you and that you turn him on
b) Don't worry about whether you look fat; if you feel confident about your body, he won't notice the cellulite
c) Don't worry about not being porn-star sexy: if you appear relaxed and enjoying yourself, that will make his cock hard - not your trying to seem at ease with maintaining a fantasy representation of women.

6) Enthusiasm is more important than experience. Being willing to learn and be open-minded will make for much better sex than attempting to be the world's greatest lover. Do ask what he likes, and whether he is enjoying what you are doing; always be willing to learn new things - even if they are not to your liking (anything involving defecation, children or animals obviously doesn't apply here).

7) Don't worry if you find it difficult to climax; it can be hard to relax with a stranger. Instead of feeling pressurised to come, think instead of that nice warm feeling in your pussy - concentrate on the waves of delight emanating out of it. Enjoy it. And if all else fails, move his hand away and do it yourself. Mama knows best remember.

8) Do try to remember his name. Though you could probably get away with 'God', 'Jesus', 'Ah yeah, fuck me harder' and 'Do it! Do it!' if you are unable to recall who you got into bed with. They won't mind.

9) Don't be too affectionate, loving or tactile, nor expect them to be: this is casual sex, not a relationship:

a) If they are very affectionate towards you, do not think that it means anything beyond their trying to get close to you: it doesn't. Making love is reserved for partners, not impersonal shags.
b) If they tell you you are beautiful, don't take it personally. Especially if their cock is in your mouth when they say it. It just means they like what you are doing, not that they are in love with you.
c) If they lie there looking into your eyes and saying,

"We are made for each other"

run.

10) Make sure you understand the etiquette after the event:

a) If in the morning, they say

"I'll call you"

And then they walk out, do not ever expect to hear from them again, because they are a tosser.

If however, they say,

"That was great, thank you, it's been fun"

And smile as they leave, then take it as the sex was good, but do not expect to hear from them again either.

b) If in the morning, they say

"That was great, thank you. Want to do it again sometime?"

And smile as they leave, making sure they got your 'phone number before exiting, then expect to get a call from them for some more sex soon.

c) If in the morning, they say,

"That was great, thank you. I had a wonderful time - and not just because the sex was fabulous; the company was terrific too. If you'd be into meeting up for dinner sometime, give me a call",

And smile as they leave, making sure they gave you their 'phone number before exiting, then they are trying to tell you that they like you more than just a shag. It is now up to you to decide whether you want to give things a try and get to know them some more. If the sex was fantastic, but you don't want anything more, it may be tempting to just use them as a human dildo, but let's face it, that's not being very nice, and is not worth hurting their feelings over. (Unless they behaved like a total tosser to you, in which case, ride their cock till it makes you come, and then get the fuck out of there).