There comes a time when a girl needs to take matters into her own hands.

I’m not talking about self-pleasure here – that is in hand frequently, thank you very much.

Rather, I refer to this Girl’s love life – a dire state of affairs (so to speak) at present.

The usual route for dating – meeting people through my freelance work – has not been fruitful in recent times, seeing as the work I do has all but dried up.

I have also now ruled out being introduced to a nice guy through my friends, (most of which are coupled up themselves). Either all their acquaintances are married already, or - and more horrifically - their taste has totally declined since they themselves got hitched.

Men that my friends would have not wasted four minutes of breath on whilst they were single, are now “lovely, friendly, and funny” men, even though they have the social skills of a Neanderthal and the intellect of a twelve-year-old.

I can hardly bear to mention the times I have been fixed up with men, sold to me on the idea that they were “interesting, warm and open-minded”, only to later discover that that actually meant that they owned 200 dvds of lesbian porn, had no female friends at all, and were unable to look me in the eye when they spoke to me.

I would love to erase the recommendation a friend gave of a man whom she described as “really nice, caring and sweet”, when what she really meant was “he is unable to connect on any emotional level whatsoever and has huge hang-ups about sex”.

And lets not even delve into the “I’ve heard he’s good in bed” stamps of authority given by (unqualified) friends: the supposed tiger they recommended turned out to be the only wet pussy in my bed that night.

So, work and friends are out. Where else to meet a man?

Well, there’s the fallback option of pubs and bars I suppose, but though there might be some nice man-totty on display, Potential Boyfriend Material© is non-existent. Whilst there may certainly be some quality single men sitting there supping their beers, the environment isn’t really conducive to anything other than pulling for a meaningless shag. I don’t deny that occasionally something of more substance can be found in a bar (I met one of my boyfriends in one), but generally it’s all about the sex.

Not that there is anything wrong with this of course - I have had my fair share of fun with men I have met in a bar - but now I want something a bit more meaningful at this point in my life.

I have considered - and tested - other means of meeting men too. I have attempted to approach the handsome man in my local supermarket; I have smiled at the geeky-looking guy in the gallery; I have given my phone number to a friendly man who sold me a t-shirt on a market stall – none of these paid off (gay, married, had girlfriend).

Now that I am faced with the reality that I’m not getting any younger (tick-tock goes the biological clock), and feeling that finally, I really would like to share my life with someone (for longer than a short-lived fling), I have decided to be proactive about things, and try to meet a partner via other means.

So I am currently debating joining an internet dating service; I figure that even with the freaks, weirdos and psychos that will inevitably surface through this route, they can’t outnumber the amount I have already met face to face.

Plus, I get to vet their appearance, learn about their interests and hobbies, and find out their political viewpoints. Let’s face it, I have fucked a couple of Tories in my time and don’t plan on shagging any more. Not that they were bad in bed - far from it, the arguments we had made our shagging even more passionate - but skills in bed are less important to me than their sharing my beliefs in things such as in equality in childrearing; the former can be taught, the latter will be cause for endless arguments and eventual separation further on down the line.

The problem I have now, is how to write one of these damn profiles, in order to attract the right types of men. Stating I am a sex fiend for example, might get me lots of dates, but would any of the men I would be meeting be interested in finding out more about me, other than what I was like in bed? Likewise, writing ‘multi-orgasmic’ in the ‘skills’ box may get me a lot of offers to test out my abilities, but perhaps wouldn’t enable me to show that I also have a brain and occasionally have been known to make people laugh too.

The problem I am having is that to write a good profile, one has to be good at marketing; seeing oneself as a product with a distinct customer base. I am crap at this sort of stuff: where the hell do I fit in? What’s my target audience?? Apart from having a high sex drive, what on earth do I have to offer???

Somehow I don’t think including the fact I am, “neurotic, insecure and perpetually self-analytical, due to being intermittently emotionally fragile” would be very good selling points.

Nor stating that I am “highly opinionated, judgmental, and a smart-arse know-it-all” would win me any offers of a second date, I’m sure.

So what the hell do I write?

I have been wondering about using “Sarcastic socialist seductress seeks similar soulmate” as a tag-line; it needs work, obviously, but it gets the point across (and surely I will impress many fine men with my clever and ingenious use of alliteration).

The discussions about wanting kids at some point, and dabbling in threesomes together, can wait I think.

At least until the third round of drinks anyway.