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Recent posts

The Girl’s top 10 guide to chatting up a bloke
How not to have a one-night stand: part three
How not to have a one-night stand: part two
How not to have a one-night stand: part one
Why Fuck-Buddies are NOT friends that you fuck
Why (so many) men are crap at one-night-stands
One Night part two
One Night

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Girl’s top 10 guide to chatting up a girl 

1) Get visual of subject in sight

2) Check for wedding ring on finger

3) Then check for tan-line of removed ring from finger. If nothing’s there, you are free to go ahead

4) Smile when woman turns around; give her direct eye contact. Do not stare. Especially do not stare at her breasts [1] Being nervous is fine. Just keep up the smiling. Try not to grin wildly nor grimace. You are being friendly here, not trying to show her your expensive dental treatment

5) Introduce yourself, offer your hand out and shake hers with confidence. Do not give her a bone-crushing grip, or a wet-fish (a definite no-no). Be firm and friendly. Trying out a learned chat-up line, like “haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” is not recommended, unless you are highly skilled in being charmingly sarcastic and can appear to be either ironically post-modern by saying it, or can otherwise be self-deprecating about it in an endearing way. A boyfriend of mine used that very line on me when we first met, and when I replied, “Oh really? Well then, you’ve got ten seconds to tell me where we’ve met”, he burst into laughter, said “You’ve caught me, I am a twat”, and then proceeded to take the piss out of himself. His humility won me over: we dated for a couple of years.

6) Find out about her, ask her questions about herself. Most guys appear to talk with their cocks [2], ignoring that they are speaking with another human being, and instead resorting to telling a woman they are beautiful/sexy/’da bomb’, rather than trying to connect with her mentally. Make her feel she is interesting and important and you will be more likely to get results with her. Remember: human beings are essentially arrogant and love to talk about themselves. Even if you just want to get in her knickers, you’d do better to at least feign interest in whatever she says [3], – she’s more likely to find you attractive if you listen well

7) Build a rapport with her. I recommend the two-tier method:

a) Verbal rapport – Talk to her. Find out what bugs her. Most likely she will be somewhat cynical about men approaching her, given previous experience with ones that proved to be arseholes. So build on that; ask her if she’s had any bad approaches that night. Be on her side; let her know that she can come to you if she gets harassed by another bloke. By being empathetic and friendly, she’ll be more trusting and interested. You’ll certainly be in with more of a chance than the tosser who tells her she has a fine body and tries to grab her arse

b) Physical rapport – not in the first instance, sexual - I am talking about body language and how you can get her to feel a connection to you - this will help build her sexual interest later. Do not grope or grab her body [4]. Try to mirror her movements instead: If your body matches hers, unconsciously she will feel more at ease, and thus more likely to be attracted to you.

8) Once rapport is built, and some time has passed [5] drop the question. I recommend something similar to the following:

“I hope I’m not being too forward here; I was wondering if you would like to go out for a drink with me sometime?”

9) Be prepared for one of the following responses:

a) She laughs at you

b) She ignores you

c) She smiles awkwardly and then makes an excuse and leaves hurriedly

d) She says

“Thank you, that would be lovely, when did you have in mind?”

e) She says

“Thank you, I would love to say ‘yes’, and if things were different, I definitely would. But I have a boyfriend, so I cannot take you up on your offer. Though that’s not to say I’m not tempted; shame I’m no longer single”

10) If it was d), do not allow any embarrassment you might feel to get the better of you. Although rejected, and shag/meaningful encounter-less, at least you put yourself out there, and took a risk: life is too short to let opportunities pass you by. Plus, you boosted her ego and made her feel good, which is always a nice thing to do. Especially if she suspects that you went home thinking of her.

But do not be tempted to tell her you are going home to have a wank about her (even if you are). Unless that is, she’s already run her fingers against the outline of your cock and intimated that she wants to fuck you senseless, in which case feel free to give her something for her own ’bank’ later; it’s only fair that she has something to think about too.

[1] This will win you no favours. I find it insulting and irritating when guy cannot take his eyes off my bosoms, when I am talking with him. I challenge men about this constantly; asking them to give me eye contact when their gaze wanders. Now, I know not staring at her breasts can be difficult – believe me, I am as guilty as the next person at gawping at some beautiful tits – but the key is, to NOT stare when she is facing you, but to get an eyeful when she looks away. As long as you maintain eye contact when she is looking at you, you’ll be fine.

[2] Many men are unable to strike a conversation when they are attracted to a woman. It’s as if their cock is talking:

“Hey baby, I want to slide up next to that fine arse and rub myself against you. You really turn me on”

A woman always knows when a man is on the pull because of this; it is obvious when a guy seems totally disinterested in her brain, and is only talking to her, because he thinks she’s pretty and she makes his cock hard. So, more likely than not, he won’t get lucky, because she’ll see through his shallowness and she’ll move on to the next guy, and will shag the one who makes her feel important and clever and sought-after – even if he too, was only after sex. It’s all about how you make someone feel: if it’s like a piece of meat, or wank fodder, you can forget about getting into her pants.

[3] However, if she starts talking about shoes, shopping, or fashion, then do not feel obliged to listen: I too, drift off to sleep with such inane nonsense.

[4] There is nothing more irritating or insulting than a guy grabbing a part of my body without my wishing him to. If he thinks he’s going to get in my knickers because he grabbed my arse in a bar, he is wrong. Very wrong. Of course, if we’re sitting somewhere, snogging, and he runs his hands up my thighs and then squeezes my arse gently, that is a different matter; but to be poked, prodded, or groped whilst just conversing is definitely the nail in the coffin if he was hoping to get lucky with me. Keep your hands to yourself – for now.

What you need to do, is observe her body language. If her arms are crossed and her body is facing away from yours, whilst you are talking with her, most likely she has no interest in you and you could be wasting your time pursuing her. But she might also be shy, so try to be open with your own body language: do not sit there with your legs wide open and your crotch as a centrepiece – many women find this intimidating and respond negatively when faced with this bravado display. Instead, unlock your own arms, express yourself openly with hand gestures and make sure you nod and smile in appreciation when she says something you agree with.

Once you are sure there is physical rapport and she has expressed an interest (she is laughing; playing with her hair; rubbing the back of her neck with her hand; crossing her legs towards you and pointing her foot in your direction), a non-invasive gentle touch on the arm, or shoulder or upper back whilst conversing, is ok and lets her know that you are interested.

[5] Depending on the outcome you want, I would suggest around half an hour if you are seeking casual sex, and a minimum two hours if you want something more substantial. If you're not getting positive signs at these points (laughter, smiles, eye contact), it may not be worth investing any more time. Even if she is stunningly gorgeous and your cock has been hard for the last hour. (You can always go home and have a wank).

Next entry: how NOT to chat up The Girl

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