Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Why (so many) men are crap at one-night-stands
Men use love to get sex; women use sex to get love.
This fallacy is fed to us from childhood and is one of the biggest misconceptions we have to challenge. We seem to accept this gender stereotyping as if it were fact, when clearly it is obvious that it is a myth: men want and need love and companionship just as much as their female counterparts; women seek sexual pleasure and gratification just as much as men do.
But in this society, it is still largely unacceptable for men to admit to having emotional needs for fear of being considered 'weak' or 'feminine' and similarly it is unacceptable for women to admit to having sexual desires that need fulfilling for fear of being called a 'slut' or 'whore'. As a result of this societal conditioning we accept this gender stereotyping with little resistance; it is no surprise that emotional conflicts manifest themselves between the genders - not being able to express ones' true needs can only create frustration and unhappiness.
With respect to men specifically, I think the main reason why many of them are shit at one-night stands is due to the above: they want intimacy, but are unable to accept or face up to that need, and seek solace through sex, which inevitably is unfulfilling for them.
In my opinion, with regards to one-night-stands, men tend to fall into three categories:
1. The Fucker. They are immersed in an existential emotional crisis, which they are in total denial about, and seek to fuck as many women as possible as a way to feel better about themselves. The sex they have is cold, distant, unemotionally involved, and purely masturbatory: they use the woman's body to get off - her pleasure is irrelevant.
2. The Pseudo- Partner. They either haven't had much casual sex, or they have recently come out of a meaningful relationship. They seek a connection with a woman and convince themselves that it is just sexual fun, but really they are seeking emotional solace, whether it is because their ego needs boosting, or because they miss having closeness with someone. The sex they have is very affectionate, loving and tactile: they interact with the woman as if she were a partner.
3. The Lover. They may be newly single, or just wanting more casual interactions on their way to finding someone they connect with emotionally: they are not necessarily seeking sex just for the physical pleasure, but are open to opportunities that cross their paths - even if that might mean ending up in a relationship with someone they started off just having sex with. The sex they have is generous, fun and laidback; they interact with the woman as if she were a friend, enjoying her intellect as well as her body in bed.
I have had a lot of Fuckers: they made up the horrendous time that was my early twenties. I had sex with men that not only didn't give a shit about me, but actually pretended to give shit about me, in order to get me into bed: they told me that they had feelings for me and wanted to see me again, but never contacted me again afterwards.
Now I am not for one minute saying that no-strings-attached sex is bad (far from it), but the issue with the Fuckers, is this: rather than them being self-confident emotionally happy men, who wanted a bit of fun, they were actually desperately fucked-up and very insecure. So they kept up a façade with themselves of 'just wanting a shag', spent all their time lying in order to have terrible, selfish (and awful) sex, and then they went about their lives, in total denial of their need for intimacy.
And I can tell you, sex with these men is dreadful. Ironically, they think they are great lovers, but it is the opposite: they fuck as if they are the only one with sexual needs, that all that matters is their cock, the woman is treated like a thing, not a person. I may not have ever sold my body for sex, but I can relate to what it must be like for a prostitute: when you have sex with a man like this, you feel used, and unsatisfied and empty: a vessel for them to obtain their pleasure. Which is why, when I realised how I was being manipulated, I stopped allowing myself to be taken advantage of by men like that. (I was young and naïve then. I am far wiser and more cynical now).
Sex with Pseudo-Partners is far better in quality, but has its own problems - at the other end of the scale. These men are unfamiliar with fucking without affection (either due to not having had much casual sex, or because they are not able to have emotionally disconnected sex), and resort to making love instead, which contradicts their façade: that they just want a shag. Because what they seek is more about intimacy, rather than just sexual gratification, they are only able to express their desire through physical affection. In a one-night-stand, this results in their being overly tactile and loving with someone they actually have no feelings for - false intimacy in every respect.
It is no surprise that many Pseudo-Partners seek solace in the arms of a prostitute - with sex workers offering Girlfriend Experiences, ie. 'real' intimacy and closeness, rather than the clock-watching in-out, in-out, that is 'normal' in the exchange of sex for money, these men can then pretend to themselves that they are getting what they want - even if it is just for one hour. And then reinstate the façade that all they want is a shag.
But keeping up these appearances can be tiresome; it is common for many men to find it difficult to sustain an erection when faced with a casual sex encounter - they make think and say that they want a quick shag, but their cock is telling them differently - it never lies.
Having sex with these men is enjoyable - in the physical sense - usually they are highly skilled in pleasuring a woman, due to their own emotional connectedness, or learned techniques with a partner. But in a one-night-stand, their love-making form of sex becomes reduced to just a physical gesture that has no meaning; something that bears only a faint resemblance of real closeness and intimacy. So sex with these men is ultimately unfulfilling - when you want to be fucked hard and with abandon, they want to cuddle up and lie in your arms: it is clear that there is a problem.
But it is not all doom and gloom. I've saved the best for last: The Lover.
These men are emotionally aware, upfront about what they want, and open-minded about what they might encounter. Their expectations are not centred round their need to suppress their emotions, nor are they suppressing their sexual desire; rather they are able to have fun, laid back sex if that is what they feel like having, or have something more meaningful if that is their preference instead. There is no soul-searching or angst about their actions - they state honestly what they want, to the person they are having sex with, and accept the consequences of the choices they make.
Sex with these men is great fun: flirtatious, spontaneous, tactile and relaxed. The true physical expression of sexual desire is explored, the experience is mutually enjoyable, and is sexually satisfying on multiple levels - quite literally. A Lover is able to understand the difference between making love and fucking: they may shag with abandon, but are able to do it in a generous and sensual way, without resorting to false intimacy via pretend love-making.
They are also able to cut through the crap: if they want to see you again, they say so, if they don't, they say that too. They are mature enough to relate to women as equals and as mates - even if they are fucking them. These men challenge the myth about men only wanting sex, because they are able to connect on an intellectual and emotional level too, rather than reducing their experience to a purely physical one. Therefore they make great one-night stands. Plus, if you find that you have a good rapport with them, they can also make for good fuck buddies in the future: a bonus in my opinion.
I try to keep an open mind about sex and relationships; sure I would like (very much) to be in something meaningful with someone special, but I also will take up an opportunity if it arises (hopefully in denim trousers, with no underwear). I like to think of myself as the female equivalent of the Lover; someone that views and assesses each scenario as it is presented to me, rather than trying to mould it into something else. This blog has been about my espression of that; my being a woman who is proud to love sex and is not ashamed to admit it or explore it. And I am generally happy about the situations I get involved in; I walk into them with open eyes and am prepared to experience whatever they may offer, whether they be pleasurable or not. I treat my lovers with respect and dignity, even if I do not wish to see them again and I expect the same in return.
Sadly, in my experience and more often than not, getting involved with men on a casual basis turns into being something messy, complicated, uncomfortable or embarrassing. Given that the number of male Lovers I have met are very few, proves my hypothesis that most men out there, are crap at one-night stands, which makes for depressing times all round.
Still I maintain my optimistic outlook overall - I have to - if I didn't, I'd never get laid.
[This casual sex debate will continue with Why Fuck Buddies Are Not Friends That You Fuck - coming soon]