I'm not sure if it's because of the raging hangover that I presently have, or whether it's the come-down from the 'high' that I was on earlier this week, or even, whether I am just emotional from being pre-menstrual right now, but whichever it is, I feel like crap today.
My mood can best be described as 'low'.
Not the me I like to be.
Strange that last night I was the outgoing, vivacious Party Girl; I don't feel like I recognise her today - The Girl is not in a partying mood now:
Party Girl last night confidently walks into the pub wearing a low cut fitted top, body-hugging hipsters and four-inch heels. Men stare at her as she passes. She smiles at them and then joins her group of friends. She feels confident about her sexuality, knows that she looks sexy in what she wears.
The Girl today sits in her apartment in sweat pants and a t-shirt. She feels body-awkward, uncomfortable in her own skin, unattractive. Even a 20 minute fiddle doesn't make her feel sexy. She feels nervous about going out, thinks it's better to stay in and hide.
Party Girl last night gets hit on by a bunch of guys. Men at the bar try to chat her up, friends of the party group attempt to get her attention. Even her friends flirt with her, tell her how "fucking great" she looks and pinch her arse.
The Girl today wonders why the phone doesn't ring. Maybe she is only attractive to people when they are inebriated. Maybe she is ugly. She ponders going out to get drunk again, so she will get hit on, hoping it will make her feel better.
Party Girl last night flicks her hair back flirtaciously and puts people at ease with her infectious laugh and her gentle playful squeezing of their arm. She gives each person talking to her maintained eye contact, responds with interest to their conversation, and buys rounds of drinks for the whole crew.
The Girl today is nervous that she cannot maintain a decent conversation if she is not drunk. That her dynamism isn't real. That she is not an interesting person to be with. She looks in her purse and realises that with the little money she had, she used it to buy appreciation.
Party Girl last night was told by more than a handful of people that she was "beautiful". People debated openly why she haven't "been snapped up yet". Everyone thought that she has a handful of men at her disposal, begging to be part of her life, only to be chucked when she got bored of them.
The Girl today feels lonely and introspective. Wonders why people think she is a 'man-eater', when she actually has no man in her life. Worries that she will always scare off the men she likes, either with her sex drive, her opinionated views on life, or by showing too much interest in a man that has impressed her.
Party Girl last night felt like life was good. Fresh work was surely round the corner. Old friends were still in her life. A man she liked had shown an interest recently in getting to know her. Life was exciting.
The Girl today is unsure how good life is. There's little work on the horizon. The old friends she has are too into drugs to hang out with often. The man has lost interest in her. Life seems to have stalled.
I know that things can and will get better. I don't stay low for long, generally.
But today, this moment, right now, is not emotionally inspiring for me.
Even watching the birds feeding at my window isn't cheering me up.
And before anyone suggests it in the comments box: a shag is not the answer either.
Hopefully I'll be in a better place tomorrow folks.