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Another one bites the dust
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Monday, February 07, 2005

Sex isn't everything 

I have come to the conclusion that there is more to life than sex.

Yes, this is still the blog of the Girl with a one-track mind, relax. But let me explain how I have arrived at this judgement:

I do believe that sex is a good indicator of how healthy a relationship is: being able to be open with your partner, openly express what your likes and dislikes are, and have regular enjoyable sex are all pointers to the relationship being a good one I think.

The key to good sex with your partner: honesty, trust and an open mind.

And likewise, the key to a good relationship is being open minded, accepting your partners wants and needs, and being trusting enough of them to be honest about what makes you happy - both in and out of the bed.

Ok, enough of the relationship spiel.

Why am I, the supposed sex fiend writing about sex not being the 'be all and end all'?

Here's why:

It occurred to me today that great sex does not equal a great relationship: good sex can cloud your vision and make you think that the relationship you are in, is a good one.

Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are many men out there that are seeking the 'perfect' blow job (or women seeking the 'perfect' pussy eater, but for arguments sake, there are fewer of us looking for this) and think that when they find it, then they'll 'settle down' and be happy forevermore.

And maybe they will, but I doubt it. Even infinitely-mind-blowing-cock-sucking would get dull after a while, if you have nothing to talk about when you're not shagging.

'Aha!' you might cry, 'but I don't want to talk, I just want to go to sleep!',

well then you are a shallow git and you should stop reading my blog now.

In all seriousness, talking is the new sex. It IS. The most attractive part of a man, in my opinion, is not his cock, but his mind. I have, in the past, fucked stupid men, boring men, men who couldn't maintain more than ten minutes of conversation with me. I would go out of my mind with the inanity of their monologues, which drove me to immense boredom, resulting in my sucking their cocks just to shut them up so I could get some peace.

To be able to talk with someone, have a connection, to find yourself glancing at your watch when they go to the loo and think,

'Fuck! Where did those 5 hours go?! We've been talking for ages! It went so quickly!'

well, that's chemistry, that's passion, that's sexy. Not hardcore, multiple orgasms.

I realised today that SP and I never properly talked. We spent 5, 6, months together last year, and he never really knew me. We fucked, furiously, regularly, with a passion, but we never shared ourselves with each other.

SP may have been able to:
Give me multiple orgasms
Know where my g-spot was, even when I didn't
Ensure I was always pleasured first
Give me my first oral and digital orgasms
Make me feel comfortable and safe enough to try things for the first time (spanking, handcuffs, Anal etc.)
Show me I could trust him when we experimented with him dominating me
Be open about what turned him on
Trust me with his sexual fantasies
Not be threatened by my sexuality

But SP never knew that:
I adore the colour turquioise
But I am more likely to wear chesnut brown to match my hair
My favourite flowers are lillies
But faced with some freesia, I am in seventh heaven
The smell of lavender is almost an aphrodisiac to me
But I need freshly brewed coffee to get me out of bed
I could watch the film Blade Runner over and over again without ever getting bored
But when I feel low, I watch A Night At The Opera to cheer myself up
I am superstitious about flying and spend flights gripping my hands against the armrests
But I have accepted that my fate might be dying in an aircraft, so I try to relax as much as I can
I get pleasure from watching the Bluetits and Robins feeding at my window
But wish I could get a cat in my flat instead
I have a slight photographic memory and when I go shopping I scan the memory of my cupboards to make sure I replace the items that need restocking
But I buy everything I need in bulk, to make sure I don't ever run out
I sometimes use sex to distance myself from my emotions, which doesn't make me feel better about myself in the long run
But I enjoy a good hard shag as much as the next person

So, I realised that although SP and I had some awesome sex, we never really had that connection. At the time I thought we did, but now I understand that my vision of him was clouded by the orgasms I was having.

Looking back at the 'relationship' in the cold light of day now, I can see that we were just two people quite literally coming together; the intimacy we shared was restricted to the nakedness of our bodies, our emotions cut short by the intensity of our orgasms, our intellects stimulated only by the passion we shared in the bedroom.

Not a good relationship.

It has taken me some months to realise this, to be in a place where I can truly say I have moved on. And I have. I have learned some valuable lessons, about myself, about men, about sharing myself with someone.

And as much as I am still driven by my red-hot desire for furious rampant sex, I am also aware that it is not the answer. An orgasm feels nice, sure, but sex isn't everything: I want to make love with my mind.

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