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Saturday, February 28, 2004

I cannot stop thinking of R (B's friend, the MMF fantasy). I imagine fucking him at least once a day (with or without B). I think I am obsessed: I keep replaying the time we met and wondering how it would have turned out if I had returned his advances that night.

So here's what really happened that night:

B had invited me to join him and his friends for some after hours drinking at R's pub; afterwards we were due to return to my flat together. By the time I got there, B was legless, unable to talk even. I ended up getting very drunk myself, and chatted away with B's friends. Later, B left me standing alone outside the pub at 3am waiting for a cab. At that time, I had deluded myself into thinking I had feelings for B and thus I was furious and sent the cab away; I planned to grab B and have it out with him. But he had collapsed in the house upstairs and was dead to the world.

R could see I was in a state, and invited me in, offered his ear and a bed to sleep in for the night. So I followed him upstairs and we sat on his bed talking for almost 4 hours. We talked about B and about R's ex and I felt relaxed and at ease with him. We started talking about sex and he asked me about the threesome with him, me and B: I shrugged it off, said 'maybe'. We spoke very intimately and I know we shared some personal stuff together that night: he told me that his sex drive was depleted since his girlfriend dumped him and that he wasn't even able to masturbate regularly. He also said he had never played with himself in front of a woman. I felt myself getting so turned on by him, I was so tempted to jump him. At some point I realised that our bodies were very close - almost touching - and I knew that if I returned his constant eye contact just a little more, we would have kissed.

With the ten whiskies and the state of my head & heart (not to mention B sleeping downstairs), I thought it would be a mistake to do anything with R. I made my excuses and went into the room he had set up for me to sleep in next door. He followed me in and gave me a full-body hug and a kiss on the lips. My entire body responded as if an electric jolt went through it, but with my head all messed up I just said 'good-night' and turned away and he left.

I was so horny when I lay in that bed, I had my fingers between my legs immediately. And then I heard him: he was playing with himself. The sound of a man masturbating is a wonderful thing for me; it gets me so hot. And I could hear him, the skin flapping, the 'schulch-schlup' of his hand moving up and down his cock, the soft moaning. And all I could think was that he was horny because of me as I was because of him and when I heard him groan loudly through the thin walls that divided our rooms, I rubbed myself to abandon and fell asleep.

I left the next morning with B. We had a huge argument then some shit sex at my flat, and I told him we were finished (er, ok I have shagged him once since then - but I was desperate). I sent R a card to say thanks for being there for me (ok, it was also to give him my phone number) and I didn't speak with him again until I went to visit him at the pub a month later.

I know that it is highly unlikely that anything will ever happen with R, even with the connection and chemistry that was there that night. But I cannot get the fantasy out of my head that instead of sleeping (and playing) alone that night, instead I crept into his room and cuddled up with him. That I let him feel the breasts that he was so impressed by and how hard my nipples were for him. To feel his soft mouth against mine. That I would pull up my skirt and let him see my stockings and feel my wet thong. To take out his cock and get him to touch himself in front of me while I put my fingers between my legs. To push myself against him and slide his cock into me. And to fuck him slowly and deeply.

This is my current obsession. As I said, all the above, at least once daily. It's beginning to get to me. And knowing that he lives ten minutes from me is doing my head in. I want to see him so badly.

I'm hoping that by starting work on Monday I'll have enough distractions (work and men related) to get my mind off him. Until then, guess I'm gonna have to keep playing - speaking of which, I've got a kitty to cuddle right now...

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