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Lesson: 1

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I want to talk about orgasms.

Granted, it’s not the first (or only) time I have talked about them, but I feel it’s an important subject. This is because I regularly get emails (from both women and men) asking me advice on how women can achieve better (or any) orgasms. When I hear that supposedly around 25% of women never climax during sex, it makes me sad, as well as angry: surely it should be a woman’s right to always come? It bloody well is mine, I can tell you.

But I’m no expert, or sexpert for that matter, so I’m not going to suggest techniques to help women get off. However, being quite partial to the odd orgasm or five of an evening (or day), I’ll put my two pence in - for what it’s worth.

I haven’t always been multi-orgasmic – far from it. In fact, the first couple of years I had sex, I never climaxed at all; the men I was seeing were far more skilled in achieving their own climaxes than helping me obtain my own. With them fucking like jack-rabbits, it was all over and done with in two minutes, and I was left there feeling horny, and unsure what to do.

At the time, I remember complaining to an older friend of mine that I didn’t know what an orgasm felt like. She replied, somewhat incredulously, that if I never explored myself with masturbation, I would have difficulty climaxing, regardless of how good in bed my partner was. ‘Mama knows best’ she said, winking, and suggested I should get to know my nether regions better, with my fingers or a vibrator.

So I did. I took her advice and attempted to master the art of self-exploration, dipping my hands between my legs at every opportunity - I was a keen student you see. I learned a lot from my constant playing:
  1. That I could climax easily
  2. That certain types of stimulation get me off quickly
  3. That I love orgasms
When I discovered just how easy it was to give myself pleasure, I felt robbed: all those times I had had sex and not climaxed – not enjoyed the divine goodness of an orgasm – and yet the guy had always come, how unfair was that?

It wasn’t the bloke’s fault though. It’s too easy to lay the blame on men for women’s lack of orgasms, but sex is an interaction between two people (usually), not just one ‘giving’ another pleasure. That’s not to say that some men aren’t responsible for some lame sex (and believe me, I have shagged a few crap lovers in my time), but on the whole, the reason most women don’t climax (in my opinion) is due to the following:
  1. They lack confidence in bed
  2. They are insecure about their bodies
  3. They feel ‘dirty’ somehow about their enjoyment of sex
  4. They are uncomfortable with asserting their needs
  5. They are unfamiliar with their bodies
It is the latter point that I am concerned with here: how can women expect to climax if they don’t even know their own bodies? Not easily, I tell you – there’s no point expecting men to know what turns us on, if we don’t even know ourselves. And the only way we’re going to know, is by self-exploration, which is why I am a huge advocate of masturbation.

I say to the women who have difficulty climaxing, go and fiddle with yourself. Immediately. Discover what your vulva feels and looks like; become familiar with your arousal and what turns you on; focus on your pleasure. Every woman is different: clitoral stimulation might work for you; g-spot pressure for another; penetration might get you off; perhaps labia rubbing is your thing. Whatever it is, you won’t know it, until you’ve tried it, so grab a toy and have a play. At the very least, you’ll have fun trying, so why not get stuck in?

By masturbating, (frequently, one hopes), women can get to know what works for them in bed and this can only help them assert themselves in having these needs fulfilled with a partner. I am sick of hearing female friends complain how they just ‘lie back’ because they ‘know’ they’re ‘not going to come’ or how they just ‘don’t feel comfortable’ to slide their own hand between their legs, whilst in bed with a partner, to ensure they climax too. Or, worse, that they fake a climax so that their partner won’t feel ‘inadequate’. It saddens me immensely to hear this from women: not only are they missing out, but their partner is too – what man doesn’t want to feel a woman come (around his cock, over his fingers, under his tongue)?

Being knowledgeable about their own bodies allows women to be more active in their pleasure, as well as increasing their confidence: a clued-up woman who frigs a lot is far more likely to grab her lover’s hand/head/cock and stick it between her legs in just the right place, than one who doesn’t masturbate and rarely (if at all) climaxes. And a woman in touch with her body – and who has developed self-assurance (and self-esteem) through frigging – will have no problem reaching between her legs with her own hand whilst in bed with a partner. Whilst she might do this because it turns both of them on, she also might do it, to ensure she will climax – which always helps if the bloke lacks these skills.

I think it’s time women took the pressure off men; removed the expectations of them being responsible for ‘giving’ us orgasms. Instead we should become more active in our own pleasure, taking charge of ensuring that we too will get off, regardless. Because not only will that mean that women will enjoy sex more, and feel more relaxed, but it also means, as a result of this, that men will too, a win/win situation.

So, ladies, get busy and get those fingers sticky. Just make sure you have enough batteries: there is nothing as aggravating as a toy going dead just as you are about to climax. (Well, maybe a cock going soft whilst inside you, but that is another matter altogether).

[With apologies, comments are now being moderated before being displayed, in order to stop the trolls on here. I’ll try to enable your comments as quickly as possible, but please be aware that there may be some delay before you see them. Your patience is appreciated]

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