I've been thinking a lot recently about whether my expectations are too high with regards to what I look for in a partner. Occasionally I find myself comparing my 'list of necessary and desirable attributes' with those of my friends, and wonder whether I should lower my standards - perhaps I expect too much?
Even though I am quite happy with who I am and feel content with doing my own thing and not needing a partner to make me happy, I wonder sometimes about my single status (worrying that I will end up an old spinster surrounded by cats), and feel a partner would be a positive addition to my life and that I have a lot to offer someone in return.
I am going to make a list of what things I look for, expect, and hope for in an 'ideal' partner, in the hope that by writing all this stuff down, it may help me to realise the things that are necessary, realistic and important. And in fairness, I shall do two lists, the latter of which shall be an honest and open account of my own good and bad qualities, in a post to follow.
Perhaps by comparing the two, I will be able to see the crossover, thus helping me come to some conclusions about what is fair (or not) to expect from a partner.
(i) Necessary qualities:
Male 28-42 Single Intelligent Honest Trustworthy Emotionally articulate Ability to laugh at oneself Wants to be in a relationship Enjoys wide variety of activities/socialising Isn't an alcoholic Doesn't smoke too much Keeps reasonably fit Eats reasonably well Taller than me (5'6+) Likes animals/pets Independent Kind Affectionate Tactile Loving Sensitive Non-sexist Non-racist Non-homophobic Non-violent (to me and others) Left wing Not threatened by an assertive woman Open minded Good sex drive Not threatened by a woman with a high sex drive
(ii) Preferred qualities:
Male 32-38 Single, no kids, never been married Wants kids at some point Great sense of humour Educated Atheist (or at least non-religious) Feminist Pacifist Socialist Environmentally aware Reasonably politically active (ie goes on demonstrations) Enjoys film, gigs, theatre, galleries, walks in the countryside Is an occasional drinker Doesn't smoke Does regular exercise Enjoys cooking good food 6' or more in height Large hands (bigger than mine) Large feet (bigger than mine) Likes buxom women Likes cats Self motivated Has varied (and of both gender) friends Emotionally supportive Ability to receive emotional support High sex drive Sexually adventurous Enjoys a woman with a high sex drive Ability to express his sexual needs and wants
(iii) Ideal qualities:
Loves frequent and random sex Gets off on a woman with a high sex drive Wants to explore his fantasies Will regularly tell me his masturbatory fantasies, whether or not they involve me Interested in being kinky - a) Threesomes (FFM and MMF) b) Group sex c) Voyeurism d) Light bdsm e) Role-playing f) Anal play (for him, as well as me)
(iv) Unrealistic qualities, but I can always hope:
Has a higher sex drive than me Ability to dominate me and occasionally submit to me Interested in exploring his sexuality - a) MMF threesomes including MM playing b) Exploring his fetishes c) Incorporating bondage into playing d) More intense bdsm e) Full dress-up (rubber, costume etc) f) Allowing me to fuck him with a strap on
It is clear that of (i) the basic, necessary qualities a man must have, surprisingly sex is not at the top of the list. I suppose that is because I have come to the conclusion that even the best sex in the world is inevitably unfulfilling in the long term if the two people involved do not love each other. Saying that, sex is very important to me - I have been with partners where it was not a priority for them, and left me feeling very unhappy - so as a bare minimum, my partner has to have a good sex drive and not be put off by mine being high:
When faced with a man who says,
"I'm far too tired to shag, but why don't you play with yourself and tell me all about it in the morning, when you are sitting on my cock",
or a man who says,
"You're horny again? God, what are you, some kind of nymphomaniac?" and then turns away from me and goes to sleep,
I would go with the former man every time. And yes, I have had both, and needless to say the latter made me depressed as hell. So with that in mind, sex is important. Or rather, a man's attitude to sex is what is important, and it is this - the other genders mindset - that I am trying to put into context with my own decision making processes right now.
Next blog will be the pros and cons of my own attributes. Gulp.