I've been thinking a lot recently about whether my expectations are too high with regards to what I look for in a partner. Occasionally I find myself comparing my 'list of necessary and desirable attributes' with those of my friends, and wonder whether I should lower my standards - perhaps I expect too much?

Even though I am quite happy with who I am and feel content with doing my own thing and not needing a partner to make me happy, I wonder sometimes about my single status (worrying that I will end up an old spinster surrounded by cats), and feel a partner would be a positive addition to my life and that I have a lot to offer someone in return.

I am going to make a list of what things I look for, expect, and hope for in an 'ideal' partner, in the hope that by writing all this stuff down, it may help me to realise the things that are necessary, realistic and important. And in fairness, I shall do two lists, the latter of which shall be an honest and open account of my own good and bad qualities, in a post to follow.

Perhaps by comparing the two, I will be able to see the crossover, thus helping me come to some conclusions about what is fair (or not) to expect from a partner.

List 1.

(i) Necessary qualities:

Male
28-42
Single
Intelligent
Honest
Trustworthy
Emotionally articulate
Ability to laugh at oneself
Wants to be in a relationship
Enjoys wide variety of activities/socialising
Isn't an alcoholic
Doesn't smoke too much
Keeps reasonably fit
Eats reasonably well
Taller than me (5'6+)
Likes animals/pets
Independent
Kind
Affectionate
Tactile
Loving
Sensitive
Non-sexist
Non-racist
Non-homophobic
Non-violent (to me and others)
Left wing
Not threatened by an assertive woman
Open minded
Good sex drive
Not threatened by a woman with a high sex drive

(ii) Preferred qualities:

Male
32-38
Single, no kids, never been married
Wants kids at some point
Great sense of humour
Educated
Atheist (or at least non-religious)
Feminist
Pacifist
Socialist
Environmentally aware
Reasonably politically active (ie goes on demonstrations)
Enjoys film, gigs, theatre, galleries, walks in the countryside
Is an occasional drinker
Doesn't smoke
Does regular exercise
Enjoys cooking good food
6' or more in height
Large hands (bigger than mine)
Large feet (bigger than mine)
Likes buxom women
Likes cats
Self motivated
Has varied (and of both gender) friends
Emotionally supportive
Ability to receive emotional support
High sex drive
Sexually adventurous
Enjoys a woman with a high sex drive
Ability to express his sexual needs and wants

(iii) Ideal qualities:

Loves frequent and random sex
Gets off on a woman with a high sex drive
Wants to explore his fantasies
Will regularly tell me his masturbatory fantasies, whether or not they involve me
Interested in being kinky -
a) Threesomes (FFM and MMF)
b) Group sex
c) Voyeurism
d) Light bdsm
e) Role-playing
f) Anal play (for him, as well as me)

(iv) Unrealistic qualities, but I can always hope:

Has a higher sex drive than me
Ability to dominate me and occasionally submit to me
Interested in exploring his sexuality -
a) MMF threesomes including MM playing
b) Exploring his fetishes
c) Incorporating bondage into playing
d) More intense bdsm
e) Full dress-up (rubber, costume etc)
f) Allowing me to fuck him with a strap on


It is clear that of (i) the basic, necessary qualities a man must have, surprisingly sex is not at the top of the list. I suppose that is because I have come to the conclusion that even the best sex in the world is inevitably unfulfilling in the long term if the two people involved do not love each other. Saying that, sex is very important to me - I have been with partners where it was not a priority for them, and left me feeling very unhappy - so as a bare minimum, my partner has to have a good sex drive and not be put off by mine being high:

When faced with a man who says,

"I'm far too tired to shag, but why don't you play with yourself and tell me all about it in the morning, when you are sitting on my cock",

or a man who says,

"You're horny again? God, what are you, some kind of nymphomaniac?" and then turns away from me and goes to sleep,

I would go with the former man every time. And yes, I have had both, and needless to say the latter made me depressed as hell. So with that in mind, sex is important. Or rather, a man's attitude to sex is what is important, and it is this - the other genders mindset - that I am trying to put into context with my own decision making processes right now.

Next blog will be the pros and cons of my own attributes. Gulp.