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Monday, May 14, 2007


In many ways, dating is like having a Barbeque.

1. The weather:
There’s no guarantee of what lies ahead. Things could turn out to be fine. But at any minute they could also become rather unsettled and morbidly grey, so you end up wishing you had just stayed in and had a wank instead.

2. The people invited:
They must make for intelligent company, sustain your interest all night, and/or make you want to fuck them. Otherwise, what’s the point?

3. Alcohol consumed:
BBQ: A bin-full of cold beers, some bottles of Pimms and plenty of sparkling wine says a good night is on the horizon.

a) A cocktail and a glass of wine with the meal says, “Perhaps we’ll have another date”
b) Two bottles of wine with the meal says, “I sincerely hope we snog at the end of this evening”
c) Five beers followed by two bottles of wine says, “’God you look sexy…’; let’s go back to yours, unsuccessfully attempt penetration, clumsily fumble about for a bit, and then wake up the next day trying to remember each other’s names.”

4. Foodstuffs purchased:
BBQ: Avoid buying cheap meat, because it makes you look like a tight-wad. Plus, it’s a challenge to offer round a factory farmed, hormone-injected, mass-produced, mechanically-recovered “meat product” and successfully pass it off as once belonging to part of an animal.

Dating: Avoid -
a) Soups (small risk of slurpage - sounds emitted from any body orifice during a date are a no-no)
b) Spaghetti (high risk of chin-spillage – which is never a good look)
c) Spinach (major risk of getting bits stuck between your teeth – semi-digested green vegetables are never sexy)

5. Marinating/cooking:
BBQ Stage one: Prepare sauce and mix in herbs; add meat and leave to soak in a cool place.

Dating Stage one: Anticipation of the event: ‘Will s/he or won’t s/he call me?’; ‘Is s/he interested in me?’; ‘I’m already wanking twice a day thinking about her/him: that must be a good sign.’

BBQ Stage two: Turn meat so all parts get covered in sauce; replace in fridge.

Dating Stage two:
a) Don’t respond too eagerly when you receive a text or phone-call because if s/he is one of those ‘playing it cool’ types, you could find yourself without a date.
b) Don’t play it too cool, because if s/he is one of those ‘can’t be bothered to play games because it’s fucking childish’ types, then you could find yourself without a date.
c) Don’t admit they have provided you with wank-fodder for the last three days (even if it is true). The time to share this is when your date has their tongue in your mouth. Or their hand in your crotch. It can wait, basically.

BBQ Stage three: Place meat over coals. Ensure it is being cooked through heat and not fire – burned flesh is horrid, especially if it’s not fully cooked underneath the charred exterior. Timing is thus very important: too long over the heat and the meat is overdone; too short and it’ll still be raw. No-one likes food poisoning - not even masochists.

Dating Stage three:
a) If during the date, snogging has been plentiful, then progress to some gentle bodily groping. A slight hand on your date’s lower back is good; grabbing their arse is not. They might like it, but the restaurateur may have some words to say about it.
b) If things are progressing nicely, then placing a hand on an upper thigh and squeezing firmly is always appreciated – as long as you are prepared to follow through with the damp heat/ erection that you have caused, that is. No-one likes a tease when there’s no guarantee of an climax.
c) If you’re hoping to eat out/suck off your date later on, it’s always nice to ask whether this dish might be on offer – preferably when you’re nibbling their neck, whispering in their ear and have your hand on their upper thigh. You’d be surprised what can be on the menu when i) you approach your date in a polite and respectful way, ii) you’ve made your date extremely horny.

The key to successful Barbeques and dates are all in the slow timing and preparation: get it wrong and people tend to vomit; get it just right and everyone has a smile on their face – especially with the bonus of an orgasm at the end of the night.

I don’t think I’ll be having a Barbeque any time soon though: I just haven’t got the time or the patience for it. Dates on the other hand, I’m willing to put some energy into. As long as the meat gets heated to my satisfaction, that is.

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