“Please tell me.”

“Really, there is nothing to tell.”

“You must know something that would help me.”

“Oh come on, I’m not some fucking sex-expert!”

“You wrote a whole book about your sex life!”

“But it wasn’t solely about sex. There was a lot of psychoanalytical and political deconstruction of events and feelings, rather than just descriptions of bodily functions. It’s not erotica…”

“Yeah, but there was lots of shagging in it…”

“True…”

N looked at me with her best puppy-dog expression. “Please. Just give me a few tips; I need them. Pretend I am a reader of your blog. You’ve written loads of stuff for them – why won’t you help me out?”

Checkmate. I took another large gulp of wine. “Ok. But don’t expect a refund if it doesn’t work; it’s just my opinion, based on my experience.”

She grinned at me excitedly. “I’m all ears.”

I swallowed nervously. “Right, well, obviously my first rule with a blow-job is that it can never be too wet.”

“Wet?”

“Yes. Sucking their cock in the wettest, juiciest, sloppiest way possible. Men seem to love that – the ones I’ve been with, anyway. So you can’t have any qualms or embarrassment about saliva or drool dripping down your chin; it’s not about keeping your lipstick pristine – it’s about their cock sliding around in your slippery gob, got it?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

“If your mouth is dry, always have a glass of water handy: it’ll keep you hydrated as well as ensure your mouth is moist. Plus, it has the added bonus of changing your tongue’s temperature slightly, which then increases the sensation they feel on their cock. Win, win.”

“This is good, tell me more. Come on, I need to know!”

“Er, OK, well that was rule number one. Number two is always use an element of surprise: that never fails to work.”

“What do you mean? Creep up on them and offer them a blow-job out of the blue?”

I laughed. “Well, yes, spontaneity is always a bonus when it comes to sex, but that isn’t quite what I meant. What I’m talking about is your technique: make him try to anticipate your next move, but then surprise him with something he didn’t expect instead.”

“Like…?”

“Like when he thinks you’re about to suck him hard, don’t. Instead, tease him by just licking the tip. Or, when you’re softly nibbling his shaft, suddenly thrust him deeply into your mouth. Or, just do a variety of things and mix them up so he never knows what comes next: kissing his thighs, sucking his glans, squeezing his nipples, giving him eye contact and smiling at him, stroking his shaft, nuzzling his balls, licking his perineum, rubbing him between your tits – whatever.”

N nodded slowly. “I get it. Don’t stick with just sucking.”

“Exactly: it’s boring, for you as well as him. And that is what he’ll expect – sucking, I mean. That’s the bullshit you see in pornos – suck suck suck, head bobbing up and down like a lunatic: that’s not real; that’s not what it’s about – not for me, anyway. You can’t really go far wrong with a good suck, but if you can be more sensual, mix it up a little, and never do what he expects, you’ll have him on the brink for a long time. Plus, his whole groin area is filled with nerve endings, so by constantly changing the sensations you are giving him, you’ll be firing off so many pleasure neurons in his brain he won’t know what hit him. Or, in other words, you’ll have given him a stonking hard on.”

N giggled. “I like it. But I’m dying to know the next rule! There is another one, right?”

“Yeah. One more; in four stages. But this one is hard to describe. I’ll have to show you.”

I looked around for something cock-shaped to demonstrate with. After debating about sticking my mobile phone in my mouth, I decided on two fingers instead, given that they would be slightly more enjoyable to insert, and less likely to fill my gob with radiation.

“Ok, so, you’ve got the enthusiasm, the wet mouth, lips over teeth, suction in place etc...”

N nodded.

“Right, so the next move is to add the Tongue-Tickle©.” I licked the underside of my fingers to show her. “You want to do it around the tip, on his frenulum. The key is to vary the speed, pressure and duration of this; view it like you’re tickling him – you want the element of surprise to get the best effect.”

N copied my tongue movements on her own fingers. “I think I get it.”

“And you can lick it lightly or longingly like a lolly-pop – either way it’ll feel good.”

N grinned. “Excellent. What’s next?”

“Ok, here is where it gets a little tricky. You’ve got the sucking and the Tongue-Tickle©, right?

“Right.”

“Now you need to combine them.”

N frowned, her fingers deep in her mouth. “I can’t do it,” she said, removing them. “It’s not possible to do it together.”

“Yes it is” I reassured her. “Slide your fingers back into your mouth. Ok, now suck softly. That ok?”

N nodded.

“And now move your tongue up and down as you suck. Wiggle it around, but don’t stop the suction with the rest of your mouth.”

N’s eyes lit up and she pulled her fingers out. “I’ve got it! I’ve fucking got it! My god, I bet men love this shit. Jesus, you’re a fucking genius knowing all this stuff.”

I laughed. “Steady on, we’re not done yet. Ready for the next step?”

N nodded enthusiastically.

“Ok, once you’ve got the mouth and tongue combination, you need to add the vertical action. Like this.” I sucked on my two fingers and bobbed my head up and down, like some kind of demented pigeon trying to find a loose seed in my lap.

N successfully copied me and grinned. “This is great. What’s next?”

“Well, it’s a little tricky and you can’t sustain it for a long time. But it is worth trying, even just for a minute – he’ll love it.”

“Tell me!”

“Ok. Now you need to add the horizontal circular movement.”

N stared at me. “What?”

“The twist. Like this.” I sucked on my fingers, dabbled with my tongue, moved my mouth up and down, and then turned my head from side to side.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” N said, despairingly.

“No, really, you must try it. Look, just swivel your neck a little.” I grabbed her head with my hands and tried to turn it to one side. After some coaxing, she managed to twist it without my assistance, and I sat back to watch her in action, whilst rehearsing the movement myself. For a moment I wondered what someone would think if they walked into the room: two grown women with their fingers in their mouths; sucking hard, dabbling with their tongues, ducking their heads up and down, and swivelling their necks simultaneously. If only men knew what effort we put in, to look so stupid - and give good blow jobs…

“Fucking hell,” N said, coming up for air. “This is great; you’ve thought of everything – I have got to try this out… Where the hell did you learn this technique?”

“Let’s just say I’ve spent some quality time experimenting.”