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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Ex-factor
The wonderfully supportive response from an ex-boyfriend upon sending him a picture of me in shorts, vest and running shoes:
“Girl, I gotta tell ya, you looked FIT!!!”
“Shut up you.”
“Serious! I knew that you were training, but I didn’t realise you would look so good!”
“Honestly, be quiet. You’re talking out your arse.”
“I’m telling ya - that picture - boy, you was HOT!”
“Look, you saw me last month, I haven’t changed that much.”
“Yeah, but your thighs and arse weren’t on display then. You’re trim man! Looking good Girl!”
“Well, thanks. But if you really think that from seeing that photo, you’re mad.”
“You must have men queuing up outside your door!”
“Um, no. None at all actually.”
“What??? Come on! There must be a few – looking like that, they should be begging to get at you!”
“No, sadly, they’re not.”
“Not even one?”
“Can we change the subject please?”
“Honestly Girl, all the blokes you know must be fucking stupid or something. What the fuck is their problem? A beauty like you shouldn’t be single.”
“Thanks, I repeat the same thing to myself every day in the mirror. I wouldn’t be able to leave the house without doing so. Now can we change the subject please? Got laid recently?”
“Fucking fools, the lot of ‘em. I think you’re fucking gorgeous, you know that right?”
“Yes, and I love you for it, thank you. But if I ever get rich and famous, I expect you’ll sell our sordid sex tales to the highest tabloid bidder without hesitation wouldn’t you?”
“Of course. You know me.”
“Well, as long as you give me 50% of whatever deal you cut, and make sure I come out looking good, I’m fine with it.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell them about you squirting all over my bed. Your wet secret is safe with me.”
“You mug. That wasn’t me. That was the girlfriend you had after me.”
“Oh. Shit. Well, anyway, wanna meet for a beer next week?”
“As long as you don’t stare at my arse my dear, it’d be a pleasure.”