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Thursday, February 08, 2007


It's that time again, when I try to explain to men How To Get Laid When You Place An Advert On A Casual Sex Website.

1. Be grammatically correct. Placing an ad that is badly spelled or with terrible sentence construction doesn't bode well to anyone reading it; it just makes you appear stupid. Plus, you'll look like you're typing with only one hand, which although might be true, really won't assist you: horniness is no guarantee of success in the field of sex (actually, it probably lowers your ability to get lucky, if anything).


“cum smole weed with me today and let me get the munch where the sun don't shine,ill go down there for hours!”

I'm not sure where you might be going down darling, but it wouldn't be between my legs, that's for sure: I expect a man to be able to converse on at least a semi-intellectual level (when he comes up for air, anyway).

2. Don't appear desperate (even if you are). Have a wank, get rid of your excess horniness, and then post the ad. Do not, in any circumstances, be tempted to write something like this:

"i have the whole weekend scheduled off for sex but have no-one to do it with as yet"

Evidently. Looks like a weekend spent watching those new DVDs. Again.

3. Don't appear too picky:

"'m 35yrs, 191cm, 80kg, handsome, cultivated, successful and am looking for female companion (younger than 35yrs, BMI less than 25) to have fun with."

Specifying a particular ratio of a woman's height/size is not going to get you in her pants. Fact.

4. However, don't appear not to be picky at all - and then contradict yourself (using bad spelling and zero punctuation):

"can`t accomadate no time wasters looks unimportant pic a must"

And if you're going to request a picture, it makes sense to offer one in return. Otherwise women will just suspect you're going to use their image to wank to and not take you seriously. (See below.)

5. If you want to get laid, try offering more than just a soggy photograph:

“I'm looking for a woman to email me a sexy picture of herself, that I can print off and wank over. I'll then take a picture of my cock over your cum soaked picture and email it back to you.”

Been looking at too much porn, me thinks, if a bloke cannot relate to a woman unless she is 2D.

6. Be thoughtful about what you are going to offer the woman:

"Maybe you would just like to sit on top and ride me - I don't mind honest..."

You don't mind? Why thank you - how generous of you.

7. Don't be arrogant:

"Sex can be devastatingly bad or just devastating. Choose the latter and drop me an email."

You won't pull if you come across as a wannabe-Casanova. Men who appear full of themselves generally turn out to be shit in bed. Most women know this, and those that don't soon learn - and spread the word.

8. Conversely, a man who shows basic wit and intelligence, and who can be mildly self-deprecating, would probably appear more considerate of a woman's needs in bed. Thus, more women would reply to his advert, ensuring a higher probability of him getting laid:

"Watery eyed albino seeks large gins and absolutely no sympathy from women who aren't that bothered about the fact that, to me, you probably just look like a shapely, yet smudgy blob in the middle distance. Must be prepared to put up with my walking into doors, abusing people with 20-20 vision and never getting a sun tan."

I'm betting this guy has had a few offers.

9. Don't bother putting pictures of your penis in the advert. Or, if you must, put a picture of your face alongside it. However nice your cock may be, in and of itself it isn't going to market your worth as a potential lover. If a woman was only interested in a phallus to play with, there are plenty of vibrators out there - and she'd be guaranteed a good orgasm with one. So please, be funny, be honest, show your face in the ad, and you're much more likely to get a response - and perhaps get lucky.

10. However, if your objective in the advert is not to get laid, and you don't mind women printing off pictures of your erection and using them to masturbate with, then please, feel free to post the cock pics - I need a few more for my collection.

All quoted text courtesy of posters from Craigslist.

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