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Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Timing
I've been trying to figure out why I'm taking the jealousy thing so hard. I mean, we split some time ago, and I truly thought I was happy with it all, but right now - christ - I'm hurting, and I'm confused as to why the pain seems bad now, when I (and he, for that matter) have already mourned the ending of 'us'.
Thinking about it (with my head, as opposed to my pained heart, I mean), I guess it's no surprise that my present emotional state is somewhat impaired, given my book is published this week. Writing it was hard, because it meant re-living difficult times over the last three years; promoting it now, in the press, involves having to recount these moments over and over. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy about and proud of the book, and really glad I wrote it, but the experiences which led to it being written still leave me feeling vulnerable; it's no coincidence that the subtitle of the book is "Exposed".
I suppose it makes sense that I'd feel a bit of an emotional upheaval as the publication date looms, and that I'd need some kind of personal touchstone, someone to ground me, amongst all the media stuff I am doing, if only for emotional reassurance. I guess I had assumed that he'd be the person to do that: that when I was feeling weak, or needy, or just wanting a space to be Zoe, as opposed to Abby Lee, he'd be there for me with a hug and a cup of tea. He's been there in that way for the better part of the last year and in my selfish, self-centred way, I took it for granted that he would continue to do so.
Neither of us could have predicted that he would enter into another relationship, and thus be emotionally unavailable, just as I would need him most; neither of us could have predicted just how sensitive I would feel about what's currently happening. The timing of it all is truly awful.
I absolutely want him to be happy and I really am thrilled that he's met someone with whom he may have a future: he deserves that more than words can say. But I can't deny that there's a small, resentful, part of me that wishes that they could have met in six weeks from now, so that until then I'd have the attention and support from him that I crave. I'm fully aware that this is solely about my needs and wants and not about his; I also know that I've little to offer him right now, and that doesn't make me a good friend, it makes me an incredibly selfish one.
So I have to accept that he can't be there for me, difficult though that might be for me to do in both my head and in my heart. I've got to play the cards I've been dealt, not wish for another hand. I might be wobbling a bit at the moment, but I need to put my brave face on, deal with what's ahead on my own, and know that, however painful it might be, life and love must go on.
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