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Friday, August 01, 2008
FAIL
I was trying to think of a way to write something here, without, actually, you know, divulging anything; not saying anything that could be misinterpreted, taken too seriously, or, worse, make me sound like the neurotic twat that I really am.
Sometimes I look back at the archives here and cringe; but it’s the emotional vulnerability I‘ve shared that embarrasses me far more than the sexual explicitness. It’s much easier to openly say that I love cock – and I do – than it is to state that I need emotional intimacy. Of course, what is available to read here is not the sum total of me: of course I’m more fragile than I appear; I have insecurities I do not voice; I have stupid, dumb moments where I am a total prat over something completely insignificant. But to share all those things on the blog now? I just can’t. And, call me stupid, but I miss doing it.
Once upon a time I would type out my worries, knowing how irrational they might be, but feeling hugged by the impersonal arms of the internet once I’d splurged my heart out to it. Now, with thoughts running round my head and no freedom to post them on the place that was once my cathartic outlet, my neuroses have no place to go; I end up feeling devoured by them.
In an IM chat with a friend earlier, I mourned not being able to voice these aspects of myself on my blog anymore: too many people in my life read it, and worse, perhaps, men who I want to get to know better read it too. “While a little bit of crazy is attractive and vulnerable,” said my friend, gently, “we don't want them to know how ACTUALLY crazy we are until we know they can deal with it.” And of course my friend is right: there’s a right time and place to show someone that amongst the cock-worshipping, self-deprecating humour and passion for life, you’re also needy and demanding and insecure; but it’s certainly not via the internet.
So on days like today, where, for no justifiable reason at all, I’m filled with silly doubts; where I’m questioning things that are obvious; where I’m creating complexities out of the most simple situations, I long to be able to voice my thoughts so I can get some distance from them, and accept just how illogical they are. And I know that they are: as a glass-half-full optimist I always see the positive side of life.
But I have my weak moments and right now I guess I need some kind of validation, just so I know that, hey, it’s OK to feel a little lost. So here’s a post about nothing in particular, referring to nothing specific, but admitting that The Girl is currently FAIL.
She’ll be back soon, honest.
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