Things I thought I’d never be saying to my friends:
1. Everything is true; even the stuff about the blokes that were shit in bed 2. Yes, it is that easy for me to climax (sorry) 2b. (I think I suffer from premature female orgasm) 3. I know it’s no big deal; everyone wanks. 3b. Perhaps just not as often as me 4. It’s not all the wanking that embarrasses me; it’s everyone knowing how neurotic, analytical and obsessed I am, that makes me feel so exposed 5. At least we can compare toy collections now, right? 6. Of course I would like some sex; a tall, handsome man shagging me rampantly would be lovely, but unfortunately that’s not an option, given my current schedule 7. Yes, I know what the newspapers have said; but my wardrobe is still wholly Primark-based. Still think I am rich? 8. I’m going to sound like a twat saying this, but sadly I’m too busy to meet up with you at the moment - can I ‘pencil you in’? 9. Sorry I didn’t reply to your email: it was hidden amongst the other 106 marked ‘urgent – needs an immediate response’ in my inbox, and I’m still only up to number 13 10. I know; you’re right: I do need a publicist.