I have a bone to pick with men.
It is not about the fact some (ok, most) of you stare at my tits.
Nor is it regarding your ineptitude with making plans to meet (saying ‘see you soon – I’ll call you’ and then not hearing from you for weeks, will not find you space in my diary).
And it is definitely not about my wanting a shag and being pussy-teased to such an extent by you, that I have to rush home to have a wank (if anything, it is most inconvenient – especially in rush-hour).
Rather, I must speak out about a terrible crime that I have become aware of: men shaving their chests.
I mean it.
‘Why did you shave?!’ I squealed at a guy some months ago, as I felt the stubbly regrowth under my fingertips as I caressed his chest.
‘I thought that’s what women wanted‘, he replied, mystified as to why I was so disappointed with his hairless chest.
No, what women want is someone to unload with at the end of a hard day; who can give us sympathy and cuddles when we have PMT; and who will offer us their hard cock to do what we like with, on demand.
But getting rid of the hair on your chest? A firm No. That is not something women want. Ever. At least a woman like me.
Hair is what makes a man, a man. Even just a few hairs there are sexy (though I definitely prefer the full forest than the barren wood).
I have now encountered a few guys who shaved or aggressively trimmed their chest hair and this worries me: why do men think their hair is so unattractive to women?
I fail to understand why you men would do this; surely one of the nicest things about you is that you have hair on your chest; I love to feel it under my fingers – the ruggedness and roughness contrasting beautifully with my own softness and smoothness. And let’s face it, if I wanted to stroke a smooth chest I’d sleep with a woman – which although nice, is nowhere near as pleasant as being with a man.*
If you blokes must shave or trim something, by all means chop off your pubic hair – it is after all, not that pleasant getting hairs stuck in one’s mouth, when one is busily sucking your cock. And the increase in sensation you will feel in the area once your hair is trimmed down or removed will be huge.
Just think: getting your balls sucked with no hair acting as a barrier; feeling a tongue dabbling around your shaft – its wetness soaking the skin where your hair would have been: it’s worth a try if you ask me. (And if us women can shave, wax and trim, so can you blokes).
So please, I beg you hairy men: leave your chests alone. Stop worrying about women not liking your hair; a real woman will like you for who you are – chest hair or not. Allow yourself to grow bushy, let your forest run free, be the man you are – be hairy. Women like me will spend hours fondling your chest and love every minute of it.
But don’t forget, we're also more likely to give you regular blow-jobs if you keep that particular forest under control (a win/win situation I think you’ll agree) so feel free to go crazy with the clippers; there'd certainly be no complaints from me when faced with a hairless/trimmed cock.
Especially since my mouth would be far too occupied to actually speak.
*With apologies to my lesbian sisters: you are most definitely missing out here.