Girl with a one-track mind

Friday, April 16, 2010

Display

Dear Men,

Yes you. All of you. We need to talk.

Allow me to bring something to your attention, if I may. That being the problem of how you sit. Everywhere you are, you always seem to sit in the same way: with your legs spread widely apart; whether on the tube, in an office, or in that coffee shop in Soho last week, where you distracted me from my writing a post on my blog.

Here’s the thing: unless we are going to have sex, I really must ask that you keep your legs together - it would be hugely appreciated if you could. Don't get me wrong: I quite like seeing a man with his legs splayed when he is sitting down, but that, you see, is where problems arise (possibly literally, but we'll come to that later).

I like to think I am aware of the reasons why men might recline in this manner; if I had a penis I would probably sit that way too, so as to allow my crotch some space to breathe (and protect future generations with my virile sperm). I imagine, being a bloke, it is quite comfortable spreading one's legs apart: it certainly lowers the risk of getting one's dinkle stuck in an awkward position (and we've all heard the stories about penis fractures) (I've actually met one: it had broken at a right-angle - ouch) (I am relieved to say it still worked. Very well in fact).

It would appear that sitting like this, according to many body-language experts, serves the function of marking one's territory: spread-out legs take up space - which shows other men potential dominance of the physical surroundings. (Much like being a tom-cat, but without the bad smell.) (Hopefully.) Perhaps this highlighting of the groin area is an evolutionary trait to show potential mates what's on offer: allowing one to 'check the goods' prior to purchase (always something one should do). As if a big arrow was pointing downwards, a man sitting with his legs apart seems to be saying, "Look at me. Here I am. This is my penis. Isn't it great?!" I can certainly see the advantage in that, but herein lies the problem: with men's groins so blatantly on show, a woman like me doesn't know where to look.

Let's be honest here: I like to look at men's crotches. This is no secret; I have no embarassment in admitting it. It's not that I am interested in seeing how big or small their penis might be - far from it - rather, it's just nice to see what's there. In a sort of knowing-which-side-it-might-be-lying type of way, or even I-wonder-what-it-would-look-like-hard-underneath-his-trousers kind of thing. Normal stuff, basically. So when faced with a Cock Bulge On Display Because A Man Is Sitting There With His Legs Wide Apart, where else is a woman supposed to fix her eyes? Yes, I've tried to look at a bloke's face, or his hands, or even his feet, but with such a prominent visual display of genitalia, I find it hard to rest my gaze anywhere else but there.

My male friends tell me they have a problem with women who wear low-cut tops; that with any cleavage in view, their eyes are drawn to it - even if they don't find the woman attractive, or worse, she's a friend, they still cannot help but look. I know this isn't just a hetrosexual thing: a gay mate of mine admitted to me he was captivated by my boobs and spent much of an evening peering down my top (with my blessing, I should add: it’s just the staring without permission that annoys me). So likewise, men's crotches: if they are going to sit like that, displaying their bulges to the world, where else do they expect us women to look, I ask you?

I find this situation most unsettling, because whilst I may be checking out a guy's groin, I am not necessarily doing so because I want to shag him, and I would hate for him to think that I did, just because he spotted me cock-gazing. It's just that it's there... to be looked at. And I do; I can't help it.

So in order to avoid being caught staring at your crotches, it would help me if all of you men stopped sitting like that, and instead pressed your legs together in a dignified manner, thus hiding your packages from view. It would be better for all that way I think.*

Thanking you in advance,
Yours sincerely, in dark glasses to hide her eyes,
Girl x

*Unless of course you are in my flat because I am going to shag you, in which case, please do sit there with your legs wide apart and I will try to use telekinesis (or, failing that, some dirty-talk) to give you a hard-on under your trousers which I will thus grind myself against with great delight. Thank you.

[I thought I'd post up some extracts from my book. Hope you enjoy them.]

Comments

// posted by thegirl @ 2:14:00 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2010

THE GIRL’S GUIDE TO… Men: How To Get Laid When You Place An Advert On A Casual Sex Website.

1. Be grammatically correct. Placing an ad that is badly spelled or with terrible sentence construction doesn't bode well to anyone reading it; it just makes you appear stupid. Plus, you'll look like you're typing with only one hand, which although might be true, really won't assist you: horniness is no guarantee of success in the field of sex (actually, it probably lowers your ability to get lucky, if anything).

Example:

“cum smole weed with me today and let me get the munch where the sun don't shine,ill go down there for hours!”

I'm not sure where you might be going down darling, but it wouldn't be between my legs, that's for sure: I expect a man to be able to converse on at least a semi-intellectual level (when he comes up for air, anyway).

2. Don't appear desperate (even if you are). Have a wank, get rid of your excess horniness, and then post the ad. Do not, in any circumstances, be tempted to write something like this:

"i have the whole weekend scheduled off for sex but have no-one to do it with as yet"

Evidently. Looks like a weekend spent watching those new DVDs. Again.

3. Don't appear too picky:

"'m 35yrs, 191cm, 80kg, handsome, cultivated, successful and am looking for female companion (younger than 35yrs, BMI less than 25) to have fun with."

Specifying a particular ratio of a woman's height/size is not going to get you in her pants. Fact.

4. However, don't appear not to be picky at all - and then contradict yourself (using bad spelling and zero punctuation):

"can`t accomadate no time wasters looks unimportant pic a must"

And if you're going to request a picture, it makes sense to offer one in return. Otherwise women will just suspect you're going to use their image to wank to and not take you seriously. (See below.)

5. If you want to get laid, try offering more than just a soggy photograph:

“I'm looking for a woman to email me a sexy picture of herself, that I can print off and wank over. I'll then take a picture of my cock over your cum soaked picture and email it back to you.”

Been looking at too much porn, me thinks, if a bloke cannot relate to a woman unless she is 2D.

6. Be thoughtful about what you are going to offer the woman:

"Maybe you would just like to sit on top and ride me - I don't mind honest..."

Thank you - how generous of you.

7. Don't be arrogant:

"Sex can be devastatingly bad or just devastating. Choose the latter and drop me an email."

You won't pull if you come across as a wannabe-Casanova. Men who appear full of themselves generally turn out to be shit in bed. Most women know this, and those that don't soon learn - and spread the word.

8. Conversely, a man who shows basic wit and intelligence, and who can be mildly self-deprecating, would probably appear more considerate of a woman's needs in bed. Thus, more women would reply to his advert, ensuring a higher probability of him getting laid:

"Watery eyed albino seeks large gins and absolutely no sympathy from women who aren't that bothered about the fact that, to me, you probably just look like a shapely, yet smudgy blob in the middle distance. Must be prepared to put up with my walking into doors, abusing people with 20-20 vision and never getting a sun tan."

I'm betting this guy has had a few offers.

9. Don't bother putting pictures of your penis in the advert. Or, if you must, put a picture of your face alongside it. However nice your cock may be, in and of itself it isn't going to market your worth as a potential lover. If a woman was only interested in a phallus to play with, there are plenty of vibrators out there - and she'd be guaranteed a good orgasm with one. So please, be funny, be honest, show your face in the ad, and you're much more likely to get a response - and perhaps get lucky.

10. However, if your objective in the advert is not to get laid, and you don't mind women printing off pictures of your erection and using them to masturbate with, then please, feel free to post the cock pics - I need a few more for my collection.

[I thought I'd post up some extracts from my book. Hope you enjoy them.]

Comments

// posted by thegirl @ 4:02:00 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Network

‘Social networking’ can really be such a double-edged sword.

After meeting, you become friends on Facebook. You follow one another on Twitter, add each other as Flickr contacts and share your Upcoming events info. Soon you’re reading each other’s blogs, and sharing links you think are interesting, or pictures you hope they’ll enjoy. You view their private Tumblr with relish, and smile when you see they’ve posted something you suggested. They privately message you to comment about a nice Flickr picture of you. You drop hints in your blog, hoping they’ll spot the secret reference just for them; and they do. You direct message each other on Twitter and save your @ replies for other, less personal, acquaintances. You play a few games of online Scrabble and innuendo seeps into the miniature chat box. Your Facebook flirtations spill over into gmail and you end up IMing about life, love, sex. You spend months regularly chatting or messaging or DMing on Twitter or emailing or playing, and you’re flirting, and it’s fun and exciting and hopeful, and there is mutual attraction; and all these ways of communicating, of staying in contact, means you’re both interconnected, even if there are miles between you.

And it’s wonderful – until the communication ends.

Where once you’d find an almost daily email, now there is none; your inbox lies empty. They don’t log in to gmail chat any more (or they’re ‘invisible’); they’re no longer making themselves available to IM with you. You see their tweets but no private, saucy DM from them awaits you. You notice they’ve updated Flickr but they don’t comment on your photos any more. They’ve stopped sending you links and pictures and articles and now you hesitate to send them any. You drop hints about them in your blog that you hope they’ll pick up on, but they fail to react. You spot their Facebook updates but no jokey messages from them are in your inbox. The Scrabble game you created goes un-played.

Once upon a time, outside the social network of the Internet, you’d just shrug if someone dropped communication and accept that if they really wanted to stay in contact, they’d simply pick up the 'phone and say hello. But in the web of modern interactivity, where you get used to the regular loud chatter of the (false?) intimacy of the social network, the sudden distance and silence from someone you’ve connected with on a frequent and personal basis is –ironically – deafening.

[I thought I'd post up some extracts from my book. Hope you enjoy them.]

Comments

// posted by thegirl @ 12:45:00 PM

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Friday, April 16, 2010

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

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